i am not okay

i am not okay.

i sat there, crossed legs and arms,

on the sidewalk

where i broke down,

just like my car up the road.

because i couldn't go any farther

and i couldn't

see through my tears.

i sat there for hours

watching the sun setting,

until i saw no

glow from his kyanite eyes.

they don't shine when he walks away.

i saw the light leave this city,

and i was convinced,

thinking

you would return for me.

but you never came.

i am broken,

and i am still breaking.

it hurts.

the world hurts me.

and i know

i am not the one and only

lonely one in love,

and hurt people hurt people.

so in a world full of hurt people,

i don't know how to be a healed person,

or how to heal your wounds,

or the world.

i just don't trust love when i feel it -

not anymore.

cause i don't trust myself now

to know better

or to resist temptations.

and when i try

to grab it and hold on,

love bites back and runs.

in the end,

i think i will always be left

looking to the left

for what's left.

it makes me wonder

if love is really worth the trouble

and the pain of heartbreak.

love hasn't killed me.

but i don't want to

spend the rest of my life dying

like i have been

since we met in June of 20-23.

so let's

count the final scores:

old, bloody syringes,

a longing for your affection,

and a longing to just belong somewhere.

that's all i have

to take away.

i know i have been waiting

for someone who is not coming back.

now it's someone else's turn

to have their dreams come true with you.

my wish came true

when you were mine,

when i denied you

as i waivered in my faith.

before i grew to be a believer

in love again,

and in your love,

i asked the universe

for someone just like you.

but i forgot to ask

for it to last,

for a love that stays.

so this will have to be enough:

to love you,

and to lose myself in the intensity.

i thought i was a thriver under pressure,

but the love we share

is never cultivated with my care,

with my abrasive

way of expressing how much

i love you

and want you

to have your dreams come true, too.

and i know you

made your choice months ago.

we both know i lost it.

that's all i know anymore.

my broken-down car

has as much fuel as i have hope

still lingering.

if the engine will ever turn,

it'll be running on fumes.

so, my love,

if you wonder why

i pulled away

when you reached for me

the other day

in my bed,

it's because you're never here

when i need you.

because i know your heart

is in his hands now,

not mine.

we just can't do this anymore.

i can't.

i won't even believe you now,

even if

you mean it when you say

you love me.