I Am Brilliant

I keep a watchful eye on the children as they, over and over again, scream down the slide in the park across the street from the brick house my husband calls "Home."

The house is a safe place, a comfortable place that pleasantly accompanies a husband, a wife, a son and a daughter.

The other Moms chatter in the background about recipes, and parent-teacher meetings and husbands who always expect more and children who always need more.

Today I am quiet. I feign a slight headache, "Only outside for the fresh air and to allow the kids to work off that extra energy."

The Moms nod, give me space and continue with their chatter.

The Beatles serenade my memories.

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away . . ."

"Oh, I believe in Yesterday."

Yesterday.

Yesterday was Friday.

Today is Saturday and like every other Saturday it is the start of the take care of everything that did not get done during the week that must be done by Sunday evening press.

One of the Moms exclaims loudly, "My husband just texted me; He was finally able to get us tickets for us to see Hamiliton!"

The British Mom claps and says, "Brilliant!"

I smile to myself as I mouth "brilliant" to myself.

I am such an Anglophile.

I love all things British, the land, the accents, the phrases, the words used in a context totally out of the context that same word is used in the U.S.

Brilliant equals "Good for you" in the UK.

Brilliant in America? Clever or talented.

Yesterday beckons to me.

I remember.

Yes.

I am Brilliant. Even When I am Not, Brilliant, that is.

It is hard for me to to make such a statement these days, even to myself.

Even now, as I whisper it to myself, a part of me wants to step back from even thinking such a thing.

I am Brilliant! Even When I Am Not . . .

I wait for others to affirm, validate, value my Brilliance.

I cloak my Brilliance in fear and doubt and passivity.

Afraid to peel back the layers to allow my Brilliance to dazzle those around me.

Spent years downplaying the Brilliance I know is hot-wired in me.

I pretend I can't even when I can as my soul screams, "Yes, let's do it; let's do that; let's take that giant leap of faith!"

I am the oldest of my siblings.

The oldest sibling is raised to be the responsible sibling.

Responsibility has no shine, has no Brilliance.

Responsibility is the tarnish on Brilliance, tarnish no one takes the time or wants to put in the effort to polish away to see what lies beneath.

Responsibility are voices that scoff and laugh and ask "Who do you think you are? when Brilliance wants to break free.

Responsibility mutes the voice of Brilliance.

Responsibility slaps the hand of Brilliance.

Responsibility blinds others to the Brilliance in front of them.

Responsibility plods along and daily tramples Brilliance underneath its feet.

But, I am Brilliant. My Brilliance is fighting for its freedom.

Freedom to breathe. Freedom to move. Freedom to Be.

More than Wife.

More than Mom.

More than Mom among Moms.

More than Responsible.

I am Brilliant. Even When I Am Not.

And most of the time I am not Brilliant.

To others.

They cannot see my Brilliance.

Because Responsibility is the mask I now wear.

Responsibility.

Orders my steps and organizes my thoughts.

No room or access for Brilliance these days.

Maybe when the children are grown and the mortgage is paid and the career is thriving and the parents are laid to rest and retirement is imminent.

Maybe when visions are allowed and dreams are welcomed and hope still springs eternal.

I am Brilliant. Even When I Am Not ... Brilliant.

Every now and then I visit my Brilliance.

Remove it from the place where its sequestered

I polish it.

Admire its sparkle.

Hold it up high, not its facets.

Talents. Gifts. Wisdom. Experience.

I allow myself to bask in its light.

For a moment.

Responsibility knocks loudly and reality shrieks!

I tuck away Brilliance in the basement of my soul.

Step back into the Safe Place.

The Normal Place.

The Usual Place.

But I know.

I am Brilliant. Even When I Am Not.