Hush

I know I made a mistake of setting a boundary

in a friendship that is meant to be free flowing.

I'm not allowed to eat without the nutrients

of your saviour complex.

I didn't mean to be so ungrateful, to go behind your back,

to feed myself when I already told you

I can find the food of life and love just fine.

I thought you would be proud of me

that I could be self-reliant

and I didn't mean to--

"Hush"

I'm sorry.

I found a space where I feel safe and at peace,

where in the faces and places others have painted,

I can see worlds and hearts I've imagined mirrored back to me

in confirmation that I'm alive

that my art can exist here

I wanted to share it with you so you could see this part of me.

I know you're tired, I don't want to make you uncomfortable

But you already know how much I wish to be seen

You assured me that you would help me cast aside my veil

So if you don't mind I --

"Hush"

I'm sorry.

You said you valued truth over pretty lies

My intention was to catapult you to your destination

But I was so eager I didn't check the suspension.

So my words became heavy and spiked

My heart could only smelt and forge these words in a hurry

You needed my help

Or maybe you didn't and I misread your signals.

You used to send so many of these cannonballs my way

I thought that's how we did things

I didn't know we changed tactics.

So I found a softer gift with what I have left

and I know it's not much

but maybe it can--

"Hush"

I'm sorry.

I can't go on like this.

I'm not sure how to tell you

but since you asked

the loneliness around you has become crippling

I know this heart of mine is erratic

It carries darkness and it seems to react to you

I want you to see my light, though it flickers

when the ghost of our friendship interferes.

I don't know which parts of me matter most to you;

the wounds that I'm trying to heal

or the wounds you want to open?

I didn't realise how dark the blood is

But I'm sure if I just let the poison come out

You could see the gold within

I just need you to--

"Hush"

...

I'm sorry.