Hurry Up

Sent at 1:30 PM ET:

“Look... the scientists tell us the world is ending so would it kill you to text me back a little faster

I know we didn’t meet that long ago and that you have your own life too

But you see, I'm crazy and did the math, and if I want to experience all the essential human things,

I'm going to need you to start falling in love with me thirteen minutes ago.

Actually thirty days ago would have been better because then it wouldn’t feel so rushed.

Be honest. If the world blew up right now are you going to be happy dying alone?

By the way, I have some lingerie that I think you’d like.

... and I don’t think dying by each other's side would be that bad of a way to go.

When it all goes up in flames, I want our arms clasped tight so that our cosmic dust will be woven together and we end up in the same star someday.

Wouldn't that be sexy — you and me burning together for the rest of eternity.

Sounds like hell, but I'm certain it would feel like heaven. That might just be what heaven actually is.

But if you don’t text me back soon and the world ends right now with me sitting here at this desk alone staring at my phone,

I swear to god and every molecule of this universe and beyond that my cosmic dust is going to come to find your cosmic dust with well-plotted revenge

So hurry up, please.”