Hindsight

A few years ago, I did something that had you asked when I was young if I was capable of doing that, I would have argued that no, I was not

But, hindsight is both a wonderful and terrible thing. it's a reminder that even if we are sure of ourselves and the people we believe we are, that we are often wrong.

Capable though I was of sticking to the promies...the solemn oaths I made, my desire, my fear, my lack of control, my ego got the better of me

Despite the warnings, despite the knowledge that what I was about to do could cause untold pain and suffering, I continued.

Egged on by a sense of entitlement...a search for self-worth and validation, of a quick fix without considering the consequences.

Feverishly giving up on my promises as quickly as I maade them, for a little bit of skirt, for a little compliment, for a tug and a release

Gratuitous with no sense of common decency or goodness. the kindness I once held as a mantle, broken and shattered to reach for something that wasn't mine

Honesty forgotten, haste forgoed, heated intoxication welcomed

Initiated the slaughter of trust, instigated the destruction of my most precious bond in life

Just for kicks

Kicks of pleasure, devoid of real meaning, devoid of real substance

licking my wounds with acid spittle, instead of the warm balm-like saliva of my best friend

Momentary bliss, without substance

Necessitating my own downfall, giving in to my noxious tendencies

Opening my own heart to hurt while opening the heart entrusted to me to hurt and pain

Petite mort that almost led to grande mort of my life

Questioning my loyalty

Reprehensible, though repentant

Salvation may be possible,

Time cannot be retried, though

Upheaval cannot be easily forgotten

Vices cannot be easily given up

Washing doesn't remove the stink of betrayal

Years and years it may take but

Zeal is what I have for what I lost, to regain it.