Hello There

Skulking around the house like a mad man until you’ve bounced off the walls enough times to know it is time to rest.

Find the strength to sit and face it. Look closely at the grey cloud of noise and information but listen to the click of the keys. The noise repeats, one after another after another, until there is a pause... Until it begins again.

The sound pleases me unexpectedly. It is nice to hear something dull and bland. My tune has had too much spice for too long.

The pattern is hard to make out. Elbows fly in the cloud of dust and I am in this one. Catching it in real time. Holding its feet to the fire while it holds mine. Torturing me all day... Fire in the chest, poison in the belly. Air pressure filling in behind my eyeballs.

It cannot be named because it is not known. Hunched over like a gremlin, a broken soul desperate to burn it down. To look out at anything and everything that gives my world value and take it to zero. Who is holding the wheel and what does he want with me?

There may be reasons, but there is never a cause and they are never just. Right as right can be, if you push it to the very end of the line those reasons won’t hold weight and if you are honest with yourself, you already know that.

But what am I to do then?

Continue to scare her with his presence? Explain away the thinking objectively and tell her there is nothing to worry about. Or avert your attention and pretend he is not here?

Well, I went with the last bit, in good faith I might add, and it seemed to have pissed him off. Really rubbed him the wrong way. My God, did he make it all turn sour. Mean, cold, and empty. Like my soul was throwing up.

And I am desperate for my clicking keys, which haven’t been tended to properly, to lift me up.

Remind me why... Why I’ve ended up here. Why I want to be here. Why I will continue to fight to be here.

This need not be a declaration. A memory is force enough to know what you have to protect and why.

Show her the love she deserves and let yourself stand tall. She is not the enemy (and neither are you).

It is fear and pain and anger and embarrassment and sadness and loneliness. A proper cocktail of resentment. It can’t be pushed down any longer... but that doesn’t mean it ought to be let out.