Held by Silence

There was a time

When I didn’t speak to anyone

For days, weeks, months

It’s all a blur

It felt safe to not utter a word

To even myself

I started believing

That my words didn’t matter

So, I stopped speaking

Words in my head

Words reaching my tongue

But I refused to utter them

Sleep didn’t come easy

Nightmares were back

Darkness, confusion, madness

Days, nights, newfound pain

Some nights, I heard myself speak

My faint voice in my dreams

But when I woke up

I lost the words again

I didn’t know where I was going

I didn’t know what I was doing

All I remember is

Being wordless

Months later, when I spoke again

My voice sounded strange

Like it didn’t belong to me

As if it was someone else

I couldn’t recognise it

The art of speaking was lost to me

I started searching slowly

For my voice

Escaping words, unpredictable life

I became a stranger to myself

The search went on and on

My voice, I wanted it back

But did it ever belong to me?

Or was I just mirroring people?

Was I just trying to say the right things?

Years later, I’m still searching

And I know I will find it

I will make it mine this time

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