Haunting Shadows

They say forgiveness sets me free,
But they forgot to mention the chains it first breaks,
Not the ones that held the one who hurt me,
But the invisible ones I wrapped around my heart,
To protect my heart from changing, from dying,
While trying to survive what should have broken me,
While trying to stay afloat, in the middle of this storm.

It’s over, I tell myself,
That his power has withered,
That the memories are buried in the dust of time,
But when a word, a tone, a silence,
Echoes too close to my past, when history almost repeats,
I fall into that pit again,
Dark, damp, and familiar,
The pit he threw me into over and over again.
Somehow, I still carry the scent of that place.

I thought I was free, I felt I had healed,
But my body remembers,
Even when my mind fights to forget,
The pain resurfaces, I feel so weak,
The trauma is still with me, alive and fresh,
I relapse, my healing journey is not yet over,
Filled with broken signs, and unexpected detours.

I lash out sometimes,
Not because I hate,
But because I’m still bleeding, weeping,
The person before me is not him,
But my heart confuses the shadows for the source,
I mourn, not just for them, for myself,
For the softness I’m still trying to reclaim.

Forgiveness is not forgetting,
It is easier said than done,
They wouldn’t understand my struggles.
Forgiveness, is not pretending it never happened,
It’s standing in the ruins and choosing peace,
Not because they deserve it but because I do,
Because I want to be whole, to laugh without tears,
Love without defense, breathe without fear.

I wish the memories could disappear, partial amnesia,
Only forgetting the memories of him,
And how he broke me into a thousand pieces,
Everything about him would become inexistent to me,
Not to erase the woman I’ve become,
The courage I showed, or the strength I acquired,
But to make space for who I am becoming.

They say I should move on,
They think I don’t try, I don’t want to,
But they can only know how hard it is,
The courage and strength required to forgive,
When they have gone through the same trauma,
It’s easy to move on when minor things happen,
But in this case, I’m at war every day,
Fighting my past, fighting death, trying to truly live.