Grandma

I don't thinkI'll ever get over it.you know...your death.I felt so uselesshopelessworthless...I couldn't save you, but all I could do was watchas you looked at mewith those soft eyes

those eyes that once heldlife started to slip away.I wish I could have seen forever instead.

You looked at me,as if you were telling meit's okay...that everything willbe okay, that I will be okay...but am I? Grandma?it's been almost two yearsand I still have dreams about you. Grandma?I wake up making noise holding back the cries,I call out for you sometimes.

My arms were your deathbedwhere you took your last breath.and that hit me hard.I never thought I would everhave someone die ever in my arms.

But I rather my arms than anywhere else...I still had hope when they took youaway. I was scared.I still had hope.I wished it was all just a dream.It was weird waking up the next daywithout you there,not seeing you sitting in your chair.Waiting for me,smiling at me,greeting me.I miss you so goddamn muchI wish had more timeI keep wondering how much timeI wasted...I wondered if you were happy.I wondered if you were sad and just gave up...I wondered a lot of the things.I wish I could have changeda lot of things...

and it hurts because I can't change a goddamn thing.

after your death,I started becoming irrationalrestless, risky.I shut out.

But don't worry,I'm getting better now. I still miss you as muchbut I'm managing better now.I keep that hope you are watching over meand that helps me deal better now.I know I'll be alright, so don't worry now.

- Written June 27, 2018