goodbyes

He is possibly the first person I have ever truly loved.

Fully, soberly, completely, clearly, and without attachment.

Not possibly, actually.

Certainly.

And oh how I love him.

All of him.

All of his darkness and all of his light, all of his pain and trauma, and resilience. I love both his inner child, and adult self, his wisdom and intelligence, his strength and sensitivity, his honesty, his sweetness and kindness.

I love how his eyes speak a thousand words before he utters a single sound…

And as some heaven sent bonus to all of who he is, he is so very beautiful.

Like, undoubtedly, the most beautiful man I have ever loved, both inside and out. His skin is godly to touch, and those eyes…those eyes are to spend all of the hours of the rest of my life lost in.

Time ceases to exist when I look into his eyes or caress his so soft skin.

Everything ceases to exist.

My heart already has photographed us married, with our beautiful children, in our beautiful home, living happily ever after, ever after.

And so it aches to watch him leave.

And it truly does ache.

But that ache is nothing when compared to the joy which floods my body and soul in remembering the time we have spent together.

It does not compare to all that he has gifted me with his sweet love and his shining energy.

I cannot succumb to the loss when I have this much love inside of me.

And it is so very much.

I told him this morning, from the depths of my heart, thank you.

Thank you for all.

And I told him you are free. I do not cling to you, nor attempt to own you. I do not ask anything of you, or from you. I only wish for you so much joy in all that you do.

And somehow that moment felt as if we were saying a forever goodbye.

And just before my heart broke, I couldn’t help but to tell him “you are so special”.

And I watched as his eyes glistened with tears and I wondered how can such a man not know this?

How can he exist on this earth and not be told every single day how much of a true miracle he is?

Oh how I wish I could be the one to tell him. I wish I could spend each day of the rest of my life loving him and being truly loved by him.

Because somewhere in the darkest depths of my heart, body, mind and soul, I feel that he is mine. And I his.

But of course, I cannot know this. Only the gift of time can reveal it to be but truth or fantasy.

And oh how I pray it to be both.

I want him to be my truth and my fantasy.

I want to be his only woman.

His one and only true love.

And for him to be mine.

I want for us to have our happily ever after…ever after.