Forgotten Thoughts...

The room is too bright,

The light slightly harsh.

I'm quiet a little more than normal.

I'm strong most days.

But not today.

Today feels hard.

There's darkness lingering behind my shoulders.

It's a dark spot on my soul, like those cartoon memes.

I looks like one of those of those scratch drawings of a character made out of black ink hovering over the person suffering.

Today's a fight, something harder.

Something worse.

It feels like I'm sinking, drowning beneath the water of the world.

Am I going to drown today?

Has it gotten to be at that point?

Is today the day that I'll give up?

I raise my head, glaring into the blazing light.

This room's too bright.

The nerves shutter through my body and veins.

I'm going to get through this.

I just keep repeating that, like a caress against my lips.

I want to scream.

I want to take everything in the room and destroy it!

Throw things against the walls, break things into pieces.

Amidst the blaring lights sits my coffee table.

On it, is the Christmas tree sparkling with brilliant lights, tinsel, and lovingly hand picked ornaments.

Everything about it's cheerfulness offends me.

I try to sit and stare at the changing lights and calm myself.

This darkness, this depression is sitting on my chest and suffocating me.

Tears softly caress my cheeks.

Is today going to be the day?

I take a deep breath, despite how choppy and full of tension my body is.

I push the bluetooth button on my soundbar,

And scroll through the music on my phone.

Cue up the angry music!

It's just me.

There's no one here to hear my screams.

I can let it all out.

Maybe that will ease some of the ache in my chest since I don't have the courage to cut out my heart.

I don't even have the strength to pull myself back up.

I'm going to drown in the hurt and tears.

The black spot is growing, consuming my chest and making my body ache.

The music lovingly touches my soul, wrapping me in a blanket of warmth.

I belt out the words after a deep breath,

Pouring my heart out into the words of the song.

The darkness ebbs, stretches, and reshapes.

Am I going to drown?

Not yet? I whisper.

Not today! I cry out.

Even though my heart is broken,

Even though my soul has been ripped in half,

I take another deep breath.

Darkness wraps its arms around me.

And I welcome the pain.

It reminds me that I'm alive.

It reminds me to continue to fight.

To continue to breathe.