Five years ago

five years ago today i was sitting in a cell

singing as loud as possible

on my third day of captivity

in a prison in downtown LA

shut UP!

screamed a woman a few cells down from me

i guess i couldn’t blame her

i’d been singing show-tunes for hours

to help pass the time

GUARD! Shouldn’t she be in a mental hospital?

she was just there,

Grumbled the correctional officer to himself

who had unfortunately been stationed by my cell

(Due to all my fellow prisoners complaints)

This was indeed, true

just a week prior i was getting tranquilized periodically

held down by large men against my will

at a fancy psyche ward in Burbank

I‘d been free for only 17 hours

before the cops came back to my apartment

to once again put me in handcuffs

except this time, no padded rooms

just… jail.

If only i had known

how much easier I had it in the looney bin

of course, i didn’t think i was crazy

mania makes everyone ELSE seem insane

while you frolic freely

chaos on one shoulder, mayhem the other

heaven and hell one and the same

at the age of 28 i was diagnosed bipolar

a word that carries so much weight

a word that with every friend and family member lost, I hate

a word with a life sentence, there is no cure

it’s like a rollercoaster, they always say

except on this ride, there’s no sweet relief

no smiling mother holding your cotton candy

as you slide back into your shoes

there’s just sitting in the shambles of what used to be your life

blinking, shell-shocked, utterly confused

the slow recognition of the destruction you constructed

and the shame, oh lord, the shame

like wading through molasses, you begin to rebuild a new life

the process is slow, but as times ticks by,

Slowly but surely, you release into the flow

things feel normal again, you start to release

(it’s easy to be in denial when you’re finally at peace)

until one day, unexpectedly, it hits you like a gun

you finally understand where the word “trigger” comes from

everything you built, the brand new fresh start

is once again, torn completely apart

and yet

despite losing everything, i have more than ever

despite losing everyone, I found my love for forever

5 years ago today, i was alone in the world

sleeping in a bathtub

my apartment, a hangout for a mexican gang

abused by the prison guards for being too insane

and today.…

i woke up this morning to drink warm tea in bed

a journal, a planner, and around me books lovingly spread

in a semi-circle of self love

there’s a dog whose been through it all

and a man whose been through enough

a mom and a dad who love me, no matter what

5 years ago today, i should have been dead

today i breathe and have gratitude for myself

and all the beautiful chaos

that lives inside my head