Finding heaven in your arms

Well, it’s funny cos I thought your eyes were blue…

Or maybe they are, and maybe they change,

But I thought I knew you so well and now they’re green…

They’re green and honey with flecks of gold.

Or are they gray?

Or am I forgetting my past life when I look in your eyes?

When I’m there in your arms?

When I’m solid and liquid and finding heaven in your arms?

Am I another woman than the one you first met?

I might have been transfigured, but in soul not my face,

Not my body or mind – but I’m different than myself…

And I think you are too, but I don’t think I did that to you.

I think you did me,

Though you may never know – unless you read this piece and realize it was you.

But why was it you?

I rushed to your arms, dashed,

I danced and laughed and rushed to you,

All the way, like you rushed into me,

Deep into me that first night

- that first week, though you may never fully get what that meant to me -

With your words and your questions and your beautiful smile

- that knowing smile, that smile that shows you know so well what you do to me -

With our reflections intertwined in your skylight

Which I never want to erase from my mind even as we part.

Why was it you, right here, right now, when I’m so unable to express what I want?

No, not merely express

- that would have been a plus, but the crucial bit was to get what I actually want -

But what do I want?

Do I want you, or me, or us or what?

I have you sometimes,

And you seem to feel that’s enough,

And you bring me to bliss every time,

And thus I want more,

But I can’t have more than what you want me to have!

And thus I wake up,

And breathe in the solace of your bountiful nights,

Breathing it deep before it seeps out your skylight into a waking Bristol changing eye,

Because I know so well what you will ask me next time I see your beautiful face…

… Are you okay if we simply remain friends?

And I smile.

Of course I want to stay friends.

The notion of nevermore having you in my life is too daunting.

Too fresh and unnerving and I just can’t lose one more person I deeply care about.

How much I love you might sometime shine out of my eyes,

The words dead in my throat before I could ever utter them out loud.

I keep the smile on, keep it on while we hug good night,

I’ll see you later, I’ll see you soon,

I keep the smile on until the door between us can’t let you see

The tears down my cheek and my heart on my sleeve