Fighting the Past: A Spine's Rebirth
How a Steroid Epidural Became a Bridge Between Old Childhood Fears and New Hope.
sterile, stark, snowy white room,
as frigid as a morgue,
a narrow gurney lay quietly, center stage, for its star.
harsh beeps bounce off the crisp, cemented walls.
machines stand as tall, like soldiers waiting
for their command.
**
shuffling my muted beige socked feet to the table,
a nurse’s voice, soft with directions:
“lay down flat,
scoot down.
more.
more.
more.
head up,”
a plastic lifeline slips into my nose,
a warm blanket pulled up my legs.
a wild contrast of feeling cozy
my gown pulled apart,
icy swabs skates over
my pale skin,
an inner tremor stirs,
like a earthquake rising
deep from my bones.
**
the sharp, sterile scent of antiseptic perfumed the air,
mingling with the faint smells of latex, metal and medicine,
a scent that clutched at my rapid heartbeat.
**
my doctor stands,
a director at the helm,
an x-ray machine ready,
waiting to say, “ACTION”
my arm being pulled under me,
a cold rush of liquid calm seeps into my veins,
a tranquil river’s peaceful escape.
my eyes begin to fall...
**
a thought of my parents
echoes, with them saying
“You are crazy to do this”
and I reply
“Mom, Dad..sorry I wasn’t brave enough to endure the pain”
**
piercing pain invades my lower spine,
rolling like hot flames,
quickly traveling down my leg,
then as fast as a lightning bolt,
they are gone.
arms snake out to sit me up,
carefully seating me in a wheelchair,
comments from the doctor and nurses,
“Hopefully, you will start to feel better.”
numbly, my ragged Ann doll body,
wilts in the uncomfortable chair.
"Me too," I softly answer.
*****
Yesterday, I had my first steroid epidural injections. They are a very common treatment for spinal pain, but for me, it was a big step to take, especially with the lingering childhood fears that my parents had always carried about spine procedures. My hope is that this injection will last for a long long time. I would like to feel no more pain.
Thank you for reading.
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Day 4 of Quitting
If this is how sobriety feels, maybe it’s better to go through life a little buzzed… this, along with other hits like, I want to kill myself, I wish I was dead, and I’m going to throw myself off a bridge have been the only thoughts on rotation these past few days. I promise myself that if, in a month, I still feel like this (‘this’ meaning despondent, full of rage, and simultaneously numb) I can go back to smoking. Until mid-February though? Nicotine is off the table.
By sleepy drafts6 days ago in Longevity
Comments (7)
You are very Brave! Praying you won't feel anymore pain. Your poem is very vivid and intense, love it.
Omgggg this was soooo scaryyyy! I too hope you don't feel pain anymore. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
Hoping that it brings you a long period of relief from your pain. I love the lines: a cold rush of liquid calm seeps into my veins, a tranquil river’s peaceful escape. my eyes begin to fall... I have always tried to get past 7 when they tell you to start counting after they give you the anesthetic. I don't think I have made it past 9. It is such a weird feeling.
You paint a very vivid picture - nice work.
Hope you feel better!
I once had a spinal tap after my brain tumours were removed…..I would say I relate very much to this experience! I hope that the injections last for you and that you won’t need them anymore.
You are so talented I love you way with words✍️🏆