Fight Til’ I’m Dead

Sometimes I get a feel of nostalgia looking back to when I was young, I was free I had my health everything was fun, I didnt have a job that barely paid the bills, I didn't have all of these battles that I'm fighting uphill, I enjoyed it better when I didn't know how adulthood would feel, I didn't know I'd be fighting depression, crying in a pit instead of catching a blessing, I was dumb as a kid and I'll freely confess it, I still miss the friends that I messed with, Growing up really is a trap, that much is true, school cannot prepare you for all you will go through, I was unprepared when those I loved started dying, I couldn't stand to see my family crying, I'm an empath and I absorbed their pain deep inside, and I'll carry that burden for the rest of my life, I had never had to face death, and facing so much made me a wreck, I got distracted, numb, and depressed, People needed who I was, but nothing was left, The trauma changed me and who I was is gone, My heart and mind stayed behind while my body moved on, Now I'm just a shell of the man that I was, I'm not even sure how to experience love, I wish I could believe what they say when they tell me "It'll be okay" I fight through the pain every minute of the day, The pain stays strong it doesn't fade away, Then I take sip and it's like taking a hit, my heart rate drops my anxiety lifts, I know I'll pay for it with my life, but nothing else gets me through the night, Its a catch 22 I need it to escape my feelings but escaping the feelings is what will eventually kill me, I will fight this with every breath, I will beat it or fight til' I'm dead