Family Name

“If you loved me so much then why’d you let me go? Let me go.” [Guilt Trip - Kanye West]

Now you know I don’t fly my family name with anything but shame,

It’s a plain message I’m spitting,

so sick of them quitting on what we had

I thought we would we would be tight forever

Now I can’t remember the last time

I talked to one of them, I guess at this point I really am done

Now I gotta know if I can write in silence,

usually vibing to some otherworldly shit

But maybe I can write a bit just focusing on it,

just for a little while, file this down later

Given a few bits and pieces of my past but

this one’s made so no more questions get asked

About why I feel like I should be carrying

a flask wherever I go, thrown from one to the next

Born to a poor white mom, youngest of three siblings,

diagnosed a year before preschool with three mental disabilities

Told from a toddler that I wasn’t ready for real life,

knew by ten there was no end to the strife

We all have our own plights I keep reminding myself,

like my struggle wasn’t quite as bad

Can’t even wallow without trying to tell my brain

that I’m obsessed with my own oppression

Never fit in no matter what town I was in,

moved every ten to twelve months,

Saying goodbye forever at the end of the year,

and every time fear got worse

That I would never find a friend to last,

playing games just trying to blast the past away

Knowing deep inside I should never ask for help

Now I’m smoking dope just trying to keep my might right,

despite the bullshit I had to rise up

Swore to myself I’d rise to the top if only

to give my family it’s own spot, no more living in basements and cars

I was supposed to go farther than any of ‘em,

it was my destiny, they knew I was the smartest one

Looking back it feels like a huge blunder,

I couldn’t save a single fun memory, inside I feel done

Now I worship money like it’s my own son,

because I know what it’s like not to have none

Brother starts asking for a cigarette but my mom,

she’s fed up, tells him to stick one

He starts flipping out, talking vengeance,

threatens to slash the tires to the car we paying the rent with

That’s when I threw his shit into the backyard

and told him he can buy a bus ticket

He punched me in my face and choked me out to the ground

Call the cops and tell ‘em what happened

They act like I’m the bad guy,

“You don’t want to put your brother in jail for christmas”

I can tell they just don’t give a fuck, and that’s fine,

Then he cut his own leg and they’re arresting me now

Telling me I can’t go back to my own house,

because his clown ass still around

Gave that fucking loser thousands from a

student loan to buy a car and bounce

And he’s still living with my mom, smoking an ounce

That’s why me and her aren’t on speaking terms,

I pounced when I could get away

Put all our lives on the line for that fucking loser

and she still think he’s just fine

Mothers can only be blind to how terrible

their children really are, he should be behind bars

And no matter how many bars I write

I couldn’t even begin to describe the bullshit I survived

[It's not easy growing up in World War 3

Never knowing what love could be, you'll see

I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family] - P!nk

But please god let me try, oh, oh,

please god let me try even if I’m a non-believer

I never wanted to leave her,

but at the time it seemed like the best for me

I pleaded and begged her to dump his ass

on the street corner, no more needless mourning

And then we could have a new morning,

without some lazy fucker fornicating the rent

Bent out of shape trying to get him and his

high as tits, never worrying about the bills we paying

It’s his skill, the only survival drill he needs

to practice, keep sucking off the teat

I can’t stop spraying rhymes about

the times my brother mimed being a good guy

I need to stop using that word, he ain’t no blood of mine

The days of letting him steal the sweat from my brow

with a forever I.O.U attached are done

If he needs a lung one day I’ll gladly watch him die,

even if he wouldn’t do the same to me

That’s how deep the hate goes,

and there’s nothing I care about more than family

But that’s something you earn,

one day you’ll learn, the benefit of the doubt only goes so far

[No, I don't find faith in your false feelings

Not fooled by your misleadings

Won't buy this line you're selling

Tired of this lie you're telling

I won't

I don't

I won't do this anymore] - Do This Anymore - Nickelback

Now you know I don’t fly my family name with anything but shame,

It’s a plain message I’m spitting,

so sick of them quitting on what we had

I thought we would we would be tight forever

Now I can’t remember the last time

I talked to one of them, I guess at this point I really am done

Writing so many lyrics is scary, in fact

It feels like we might be getting to the truth of the matter, imagine that

Something I’ve feared so long, I don’t know if I can go back

To the way things ever were and still feel intact

In many ways it’ll be a regression

That I knew was never going to be a question in my mind

I’m on my own time now, it’s only a matter of time now

This is my design now, no time to turn the clock

And keep signing on the dotted line saying I must supply

The same people keeping me down with my own time

Compliance isn’t in style nowadays, not riding any recent waves

I’m just sick of the tales I amused myself with, fantasies about the ways it could be

Now it’s time to move the fuck on and just say sorry to my face, for once

1,029 possibilities and Remember The Time comes on

Thinking about the first time my mom showed me the music video

Now I’m dying, thinking about everything that’s happened since

I wish it all could’ve been so much better for us

I’m tossing everything that could have been in the trash

In the same town you ran away from

Thinking how it should’ve been different

If you weren’t so rash

My brain keeps telling me

To wash my hands of this

Thinking about childhood is the opposite of bliss

Wish I could still say I want you to miss me

Despite my best intentions, I’m still just another wrench in the machine

Your love wasn’t strong enough to escape your own design

I’m the last fucker who should be examining anyone’s mind

But that’s the way the cookie crumbles, we all walk life blind

And try our best, one step at a time, never knowing a finer vibe

We all know deep down they don’t really care about us

And they don’t hide it, it’s laid out bare for all poor to see

They’re just daring us to unite against tyranny

So they can sicc the police on the people paying their salaries

18+19, that’s the cash I have on hand this week

I’ve got 37 reasons not to plead on the streets

But at least I’ve paid the rent and

staved off weakness with a tweak of whiskey

I swear to god this life is so sick,

promising you the best and switching it with a bleak frame

I swear to god I want names of the evil fucks that made it this way

I lost belief in God when I was fourteen,

used to think he was so mean, even to this day

[There’s things you need to hear, so turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns it all around

No it won’t go all the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good] - The Heart of Life - John Mayer

Wish I could take John’s words to heart but there’s too much tart taste in my mouth

From all the ways it went south, knowing she didn’t have to play the part

Of selfless caretaker, to a shitty son that couldn’t even start to repay the debt

And here I am, still fretting over family that stopped being so, a long time ago

My brain keeps telling me

To wash my hands of this

Thinking about childhood is the opposite of bliss

Wish I could say I want you to miss me

Despite my best intentions, I’m still just another wrench in the machine

[In our family portrait we look pretty happy

We look pretty normal, let's go back to that

In our family portrait we look pretty happy

Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally] - Family Portrait - P!nk