Fake Smile

“Pink and chocolate, and can I get sprinkles?”

I place my order at a plastic donut store, in miniature, such a good sport, dad says, playing with your little sister who responds;

“Okay, here you go!”

in the indefatigable hope of youth and I listen and wonder when did I become so weary. wonder if there’s anything I can do to stop her from fading like me

“Can I have, ummm, chocolate sprinkles?”

the game goes on and I wonder if she’ll make believe like me, until long past after it’s acceptable

I think there’s a name for it, they call it maladaptive daydreaming and they call it a mental illness and I don’t understand

because I think it saved my life? or maybe ruined it I just can’t be sure

“Two more donuts please!”

with a side of sanity and a dash of hope for the future, if you don’t mind.

we pretend together some more

and after a while she stops pretending, distracted by a princess doll. game over.

but,

I don’t stop.

I can’t.

everything I do is make believe.