Extra tracks to focus my feelings

These tracks mark my childhood and my teenage years, and kept me feeling grounded, at peace— because the sounds and the lyrics and the moods they represent all felt like me at one point, and my childhood specifically. Now, I listen to them as an adult in retrospective review, in a deep conversation with my past, in peace with my mind about traumas and fears I’ve had before I became an adult.

A lot of the music I’ve used in all of my stories on here are the very ones I used for my own coping techniques and meditation, and they are very personal to me. The track about Chicago is a personal story about how I was having a bout of depression and my family left to Chicago without me, mainly because they didn’t think I was up for anything fun, and I thought it was my fault. A true story.

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Track 1 of five. Serenity prayer.

I learned this prayer from

My father,

Who was an alcoholic—

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference

And I learned this by heart, as a gift

Because I love my father.

In my worst moments, I took

This song

And that prayer

And in my heart, because I knew it by heart, said the Serenity Prayer over and over,

And also listened to this song at the same time, a meditative

Moment,

And it felt like

Everything was fine,

Because I was one with God for a moment

Too.

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Track number 2. Grappling with fear.

I’m under the covers, in the dark

I’m supposed to be out with friends,

But I cancelled on purpose because

I can’t imagine doing that right now.

I listen to PJ Harvey,

And this track comes on.

I’m almost asleep.

Suddenly, I’m jolted awake, sitting upright

Her shrill cry

Her ghostly call

It reminds me too much

Of someone I love

And I’m terrified.

I’m still a child in my heart,

But a teenager in years,

In my childhood room all alone in the dark,

Heart pounding but the fear

Makes me feel alive.

Now... it reminds me of how I no longer fear

Such a thing.

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#3. Something intangible, yet so near.

I have loved too much,

Not enough,

I’ve been unlucky (in love,)

But I’ve known other kinds of love

Many times and

Possibly been loved by many—-

It’s not enough.

Because I’ve never known that one love

That I felt twice over,

Instead it was a reported loss,

But with a catch—-still friends,

Or maybe not friends at all.

That was the catch.

The real story wasn’t about that,

It was the way I fell,

And how I had to catch myself.

I’m still

Catching up.

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Four. I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry,

I cannot stop being

Sad;

I’m so sorry, my family,

I won’t go to Chicago—-

Is it because I am bad?

My PTSD is acting up,

Or is it just me?

I feel like a burden.

I love you all,

And I am so sorry.

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Last track, only time.

My

Aunt taking me to an appointment

And I’m feeling down,

She puts on Enya,

And I feel elated,

This ethereal sound

Feels like something from the heavens

And I am feeling at peace,

And I ask her who this is,

And she says it is Enya,

And it’s Only Time.

And I think,

It’s only a matter of time,

And soon, I’ll feel better.