Excerpts of an Unfinished Poem
Sharing something incomplete...
Does it set a flame in you, too?
When a cold, rusty ray slips through the bus window
and catches as a pure gold fire in the wispy cirrus crown
of the elderly man leaning heavy into the blue plastic seat
with a universe waiting to be read between the lines of his face
Does it set a flame in you, too?
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I have had some of these lines floating around in my head for a couple of days, and I feel that I am getting closer to being able to formulate a complete poem; However, I felt compelled to share this incomplete, unclear, and very brief individual stanza in its current form, first. The artwork used for the cover felt aligned with the spirit of the piece (though the sketch was not made with this poem in mind). I hope some folks out there can find something in this bizarre little window into my writing process.
This piece feels akin to me to a very brief set of lines which I wrote several years ago, found here:
I considered even mashing up these two sets of lines, and may yet form a finished poem which incorporates both stanzas. Anyhow, that's enough rambling from me today. You may see a future, refined composition based on one or both of these pieces! But knowing me, this window of inspiration might also not be opened again for a long, long time.
Thanks for reading, friends! Cheers, all.
About the Creator
Gabriel Huizenga
Twas for love of words that I first joined this site:
Poetry, especially, and dear short stories too;
For to live one's best is to read, and to write!
So find me in words here, and I'll find you 💙
Thanks for stopping by! :)
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Excellent storytelling
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Comments (11)
So beautiful and compelling
Beautiful poem and artwork ✅… I especially like: “of the elderly man leaning heavy into the blue plastic seat with a universe waiting to be read between the lines of his face” I’ve always liked how wrinkles can show people’s character.
love the mysticality in this. so beautiful and evocative.
Beautiful art work. It is interesting the way you described the elderly man leaning into the seat. I would be interested in reading in what direction you take this, but as DK said it is a beautiful portrait if you leave it the way it is. Nicely done, and interesting for all- it made everyone think.
Definitely a lot of possibility here, but it's also like a beautiful poetic portrait that doesn't have to be extended if you decide not to! Really beautiful poem or lines for whichever direction you take with this!
My thoughts - It is good as it is, but it opens up a lot of possibilities to continue with, especially when you have lines like: "with a universe waiting to be read between the lines of his face" I love the original artwork; you are quite the artist as well. Very nice!
Curious to see what you do with it! but you know me...I love ambiguity and love it as it is!
Love this . Great work.
The way you describe light and the old man’s face feels so real, like I can see it myself. Sometimes, small moments like this spark something inside us.
I like this, Gabriel as it stands. You have literally captured your impression of an ordinary moment and by sharing it, have made it something lyrical. It's like taking a photo but richer in some ways because of the layers provided by your words.
Did you ever read Pound's 'In a Station of a Metro'? This reminds me of the work. You have caught the intensity of a small moment. And here is a link to the work: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/12675/in-a-station-of-the-metro