Envy Your Pain

I watched them cry — as I did not, and I wanted to offer a hug.

I felt sorry for them, for the sadness they bore, and yet I noticed how love shown through their eyes.

I watched them cry — as I did not, and wished they’d offer me a hug. I wished to feel included. I felt sorry for myself, as love shown through their eyes, as they cried because they knew what love was.

I sat alone as I cried, I cried for myself, as I did not feel the sadness they had felt. Their sadness came from a place of experiencing love — while mine came from being alone.

So alone that there’s an unseen darkness, an emptiness, a lack of life that I’ll never fill — a loneliness so deep that I’ll never experience their sadness, their pains, their fears, their hearts being torn — for I do not let myself love as they have loved.

I do not open my heart, I do not hold on to moments: “they’ll be gone any day, moved on from my way, they’re only a moment in time…” I refuse to feel pain so I avoid living life — I feel nothing at all — except envy. Envy over the pain they feel, the pain of those that have experienced love and life.

Yet, in a moment where an opportunity arrives — all I can do is say goodbye. I say goodbye before saying hello — and no-one even knows.

* “‘Tis Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”-In Memoriam A. H. H. by Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809-1892)

*Don’t cry because it is over — smile because it happened. -German poet, Ludwig Jacobowsk