Emotional.. happiness and the bottle

I'm not mentally ill, I'm emotionally sick, broken and there's not a way to treat it..

I could talk to a psychiatrist all want me too, throw away my money, wonder what's wrong with you.

I don't get how people believe this works, placebo? Tell some stranger your problems, things that can't be undone

can't be changed, I've long accepted them and that it wasn't my fault long ago, on my own.

Telling me I'm broken is something I already know,call it what ever names you wish, hand me the bottle

Tell me happiness is here in this little pill, I take one, wait nothing, another wait, no happiness.

I become irritable, given a higher dosage, become aggressive, yes and swear.. Is this what happiness is supposed to be?

No this is anger... I'm so upset they change the bottle and send me home, it's faster this time the change,

I become prone to out bursts, so much anger I hate this I don't want this. Someone looks at me as I pass them and

I don't want to be seen so I hit them, hit them hard and carry on.. Once again the bottle is changed, I become more depressed

I don't want to go out and then it hits, this rage, I start to self harm, biding to cut off the blood, forcing my left shoulder in and out of socket until it's a bloody bruised mess, angry because of nerve damage in it, that it can't be used as well as my right anymore..

I leave it nearly useless for 3 months while healing, shirts are hard to put on... I can't take it, maybe I haven't taken enough, I get a bottle rum, and take both bottles whole.

But still nothing, I just feel sick and try to force back the vomit, to keep in the tears.

To keep it in to be happy, but there's just nothing there.

I don't go back, I know what helps some but like anything else it doesn't last, the only difference is whether I fuck it up or I'm no longer of use or wanted.

I shatter, something snaps, my heart ends up bad, sadly it doesn't end me nothing ever does. Not pills, blades, cars, ropes, cliffs nor bridges, freezing cold or electricity with dishes.

Giving up is simpler than wishes, there's so little left, I pass the time.. That's all I ever do is pass the time, work to pass the time, eat to pass the time, watch anime to pass the time, Tiktok, game, write...

tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock, measure measure the passing space, make all the humans race and pace. Told I have anhedonia now, don't care, I just don't

I'm tired and everything just hurts, don't even want to die, but that doesn't mean I want to live, that I am alive. Already dead, inside, maybe trying to encourage others is all that I have.

No one should be like me, can we turn me off, erase all that was had.. delete the file turn off the power, like my data was never there.

There'd be no difference if my space was inhabited by air

You'd never notice that I was never there.

Kaloriinn, James. Mason