dying to be thin

I remember the first time I skipped a meal.

It wasn't even on purpose, I just didn't have time to eat and then the next thing I knew it was dinner time and I hadn't even eaten lunch.

I remember when I realized how easy it was to not eat. Actually let me rephrase that, how easy it was to hide from people that I wasn't eating. The not eating part, that was HARD.

I love food and so much that it was hard to control myself when I ate. But I had eaten what I wanted, whenever I wanted, as MUCH as I wanted for years now.

But I had never been thin.

And I wanted to be thin. Oh how I wanted to be thin.

Not just thinNER. THINNN.

I wanted my cheeks hallow, my collar bone visible, my ribs COUNTABLE. Not on my sides, when I stretch my arms up high, but on my chest. In between my breasts, I wanted to be able to count my ribs.

I wanted to see all my bones. My hip bones, wrist bones, shoulder blades, spine.

I wanted to see my SPINE.

But how could I attain such a perfect body?

Don't eat, of course.

So I starved. As everyone else called it. I was weak. To my eating disorder. I was controlled by it. The disorder had taken over my mind.

But to me, I was weak, if I ate. If i didn't eat, I was strong. I was in control of my body, I allowed it to eat sometimes, but I never allowed it to gain weight. I was making the decisions now. My appetite had controlled me for years and now I was controlling it.

But I wasn't. It was controlling me... still...

Did you know anorexia is defined as "loss of appetite". So what is appetite? I thought it was hunger, because hunger gives me the desire to eat. But that's just it, the desire to eat. I was hungry, but i had no desire to eat. No APPETITE.

Back to it being easy to hide that I wasn't eating, no one saw me in the morning, so that was the easiest time to not eat, no one was even around to witness. Then off to school where I told people I had a big breakfast or I forgot my lunch and no one cared. They assumed I ate at home. Then back home, I would eat dinner. A small dinner. And count the calories. Always count the calories.

And no one noticed for TEN MONTHS.

TEN MONTHS I went on like this. And no one cared because I was overweight and became average weight as I was losing.

Only after ten moths of starving did people try to tell me it was unhealthy.

You'll die

It's bad for your body and mind

Well, I was happier than ever and no one cared when I was overweight and not eating...