Drunken Confessional

I have to apologize.

No, not for what I said, those words I stand by.

No, for my delivery

My rather lengthy delivery in between wallows and sobs with the smell of whiskey still lingering on my breath,

and I swear I didn't even mean to say it

It really just came out? Really! I swear!

I promise I don’t need to hear you say them back, trust me I know the rest, but I just really needed to get that off my chest.

And no, it's not that I don't feel that way, because I do truly. But instead, the fact that those words haven't left my lips in over 8 years.

And though they have been said before to another, they were never truly felt until now. My body has never recognized the graze of a hand like yours, never remembered the exact pressure of one’s lips on mine or the specific sound of somebody's footsteps as they walk in the kitchen door. Not until you.

It’s not that I've never felt love, because I have, at least I think I have. But more so, the understanding that I've come to is that the first love may not have been true, but rather just new.

Not a place that felt like home in their arms or a voice that sounds like a personal lullaby written simply for me.

No, that “love” was different.

It was “lets go study at the librarys” and “I'll wait for you outside your dorms” and “will you be my date to the winter formals?”

But it was also, “Who is she? Why are you lying to me right now?” and “Am I not enough for you?”

No, I much prefer this love. This feeling of utter peace and safety when I'm folded into your body, as if I'm melting straight into your chest. This never-questioning, always-yearning, eager-to-be-with-you-for-just-one-more-second kind of comfort.

And I promised myself I’d never be the first to say it again, and I really, really tried,

But I just can’t help the feeling that you're giving me inside.

So I'm sorry for my delivery but I'm not sorry for my words.

And though I may have drowned you before in my sea of saltwater tears, I hope this delivery is sweeter to the ears,

Because you're the only “I love you” I want for many, many years.