Dots on the Ceiling

Can't I stop the pain?

I lay on this bed,

Thinking about why I have to deal,

I stare at my ceiling,

Counting the dots until I fall asleep.

My thoughts coming in as waves,

I can't think straight, nothing is right,

I didn't mean it, I just... no...

blurred vision makes it hard to count,

Why can't things be simple?

Does it really have to hurt this much?

I have everything I could wish for,

Buy, why do I throw it all away?

Am I stupid? I'm insane...

I don't like being optimistic...

I get hurt too easily...

1...2...3... I can't see... 4...5...

I want someone to love me...

I have that, why can't I comprehend?!

Am I that blind? That oblivious?

10...11...12... gotta keep track...13...14...

Depression hurts... I mess up everything!

How do I fix it? You tell me!

20...21...22... Oh...23...24...25...

I'm going to lose him if I don't stop.

That's not what I want or need...

If I keep this up, I'm going to lose the only person...

30...31...32... Please God! 33...34...35...

Why can't I stay strong?

What did I do to deserve this?

My past is horrid! I must have done something wrong...

100...101...102... I can't see...103...104...105...

Freewill is a myth... Control is not real...

Pain is real... Love is only for those who deserve it...

I don't deserve to be loved... It's too hard to love me...

204...205... I'm going to give up... 206...207...

I'm so many things that no one wants...

Why is he still with me... I don't want to lose him...

I love him... I'm too close to him... Too late now...

1,001...1,002... No! I lost my place! 1...2...3...

What will happen to me? I can't be alone...

I'm terrified of being lonely...

Truth is... All I have is him...

12...13...14... I'm not perfect...15...16...

Laying here counting dots on the ceiling...

Had to count with blurry vision...

I love him... I need him...

1,001,235...I'm done... no more... 1,001,236...