Don’t you want to be happy?

Don’t you want to be happy?

Not necessarily.

It is not sustainable.

When I feel immense happiness, an incredible high that I thought was so far within reach of this lifetime, the comedown is so painful I could wish for death.

And this low lasts longer than the high. I spend days, weeks, months attempting to crawl back up from it to a more neutral ground.

Why would I want to experience that constantly?

It is possible to feel happiness while simultaneously being sad. I believe this because I have lived it for most of my life.

If I spend my time chasing a high that must end eventually, I will be forever disappointed.

Happiness and contentment are very different things.

So, which do you want?

Neither, ideally.

I have had both at once and I have never retrieved them since. I have lost too much of what brought me that happiness and contentment to know it again like a friend.

I will search for other things now.

What things?

Well, life.

It is not happiness. It is not contentment.

It is a fluctuation of emotions and feelings and thoughts that we encounter as our stories are written.

I do not know how it will be told.

What I do know is, I will stick around to tell it.