Domestic Affairs & Companion Animal Compliance Unit

Residents are advised that, effective immediately,

certain household cats may demonstrate

unauthorized verbal communication,

including but not limited to:

litigation vocabulary,

therapeutic “I-statements,”

and the phrase, “We need to talk.”

If your cat addresses you by your full name,

do not attempt to regain control

by offering tuna, laser pointers,

or the ceremonial shaking of the treat bag.

These measures have been deemed

“performative” and “emotionally insufficient.”

In the event your cat requests a divorce,

remain calm.

Locate the nearest chair.

Sit.

Breathe in for four counts,

out for the length of their prepared statement,

and sign all forms.

Common indicators include:

a folder labeled “SARAH—EVIDENCE,”

post-it notes on your mistakes

(“forgot my birthday” is handwritten, in red),

and the sudden appearance of a tiny suitcase

with a scarf folded with dignity.

Please note:

the Department cannot intervene

in disputes regarding:

shared custody of the sunny windowsill,

division of assets (one (1) cardboard box),

or alimony in the form of nightly chin scratches.

You may be served papers

beneath the fridge,

behind the curtains,

or directly onto your face at 3:07 a.m.

This is standard procedure.

Worst-case scenario protocols:

Your cat retains counsel (a parrot).

The parrot repeats everything

in a tone that suggests you already know.

Your cat moves out

to the neighbor’s house

“to find herself,”

and takes the good blanket.

Important:

Do not beg.

Cats interpret pleading as weak prey behavior.

Do not argue.

Cats have practiced arguments

during every silent stare

you mistook for love.

If you feel grief rising

like fur on a black jumper,

contact a trusted friend.

Say, “My cat left me.”

Let them laugh.

Then let them stay.

This notice will remain in effect

until further meowing.