DO NOT WATCH THE MOVIES!!!

They're all toxic.

Once you start

they'll only drag you down.

So, beware

of those classics especially.

Great movies are a risky venture;

they'll teach you to kill, in black and white, crisscrossing streets.

You can't ignore

this first-hand guide.

DANGER!!!

Killer women in skirts on the American roads

fleeing their suburban lives.

They're unmatched.

And be wary of men

who with a single deft move

can win a woman over - it’s not a gun trick.

Having Bond in your corner is a sure win, so just relax.

Don't copy his moves;

he'll teach you to gamble, drink and drive -

all of this is perfectly useless advice.

He's a master of getting close to anyone.

They plead with him to stop, but he won't let go.

He's the best of them, yet he destroys everything.

And if you want to know what it's like

to be a villain who's never caught,

a neo-noir psychological crime thriller is here, unwatched.

It holds all the clues

to catching the man who slips through

the law's fingers. That's the worst possible outcome

you could ever receive.

So, regret

that you ever watched these movies.