Define

Catatonic.

Definition: psychiatric: relating to or characterized by catatonia; informal: an inmoblie or unresponsive stupor.

Catatonia

Definition: A behavioral syndrome marked by an inability to move normally

Dissociation

Definition: disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, sense of self

None of these explain how I feel.

The Five F’s of Trauma response: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Flop Friend. Hm.

Fight: feeling anger or rate

Flight: urge to flee

Freeze: numbed-out, overwhelmed

Flop: feeling sad, depressed

Friend: feeling helpless, powerless

Maybe Freeze?

No, no, none of these really define how it feels.

They all seem too specific, too narrow.

How can you really define how it feels though?

How can you define the moment your body seems to completely shutdown, but your mind doesn't?

How when you feel so overwhelmed, so stressed, so anxious that you can’t tolerate the world anymore?

How you acknowledge the person next to you, you understand their words yet your mouth refuses to answer.

How your body seems to go numb and freeze, totally incapaticated.

How can I describe the agony within as the demons claw at my mind.

It’s simple. I can’t.

I can't describe how it feels to sit there or lay there as my mind floods with thoughts.

Thoughts of fear, of pain, of panic, of hate, of self loathing… of harm.

I can’t describe how it hurts when I can hear them begging and pleading with me.

Begging for an indication, a sound, a movement, a glance….an answer

I can’t describe how I have an answer to their questions but can’t respond.

My body is locked, my mind is locked, my lips are locked….incapacitated.

Maybe the way to describe it becomes all of the above. My body froze trying to fight the demons, fleeing from my thoughts, letting the flop hit, searching for a friend in my own mind.

Dissociated from the sensations surrounding me. Catatonic, unable to move normally except to blink my eyes.

Maybe it is all of the above. Maybe it can be defined. Maybe…But so far I have to define it.