Deep Within Reach

The world has always been vast,

Yet our world seemed terribly small.

The feeling of a summer breeze,

Whisks through my hair as I think of the good times.

Never realizing that one day I would have lost you,

Regardless of if our world was small enough to bring you back.

The frog in my throat has always seemed to come at the worst times,

Scared if I tell you how I felt all these years that you’d reject me.

The rejection that would have hurt worse than most.

The warmth you have brought to my soul,

Fills me with a sense of freedom.

A terrifying feeling if I were to be honest,

A fear that many will understand.

But not in the way I feel,

The fear of losing myself in you to a point-

Where all the things I have lived with suffocate.

The demons I have learned to have calm conversations with,

Instead of screaming at them would disappear.

The trauma would slowly dissipate in your light and warmth.

In that moment, that one second of clarification,

Terrifies me to a point of hiding in my personal shadow.

The smile you give me as you tell me everything is okay,

Fills me with a sense of happiness- something foreign.

I have felt glimpses of what I thought to be happiness,

But with the look you give me I become lost in it.

Who will I be if not in constant fear of things around me,

Around my son, my family- things should be worried about.

Without the constant ticking in the back of my head,

How will I fill the silence between us…?

The uncertainty of us drowns me slowly,

Yet I refuse to swim to the surface.

You take your time with everything,

That brings my being to a full stop.

The feeling of being able to pause,

Gives me a sense of calm I have never known before.

Rushing through my thoughts and life has been my go-to.

Taking the space to think has been the biggest fear of mine,

When I think, I can’t stop until I analyze everything and the reasons for it.

I just want to feel okay for once,

I don’t see me being the way I thought I could be.

Things are becoming very difficult for me to see,

There won’t be a light at the end of my tunnel.

Not unless I allow myself to heal,

I want to run to you in every aspect.

But what if I’m too much, too little for you,

I can’t go through this again.

I won’t go through this again,

The feeling of never knowing the truth.

How do you see me?

Don’t just say the same things,

Why do I feel so uncertain of you?

What is holding me from you?

I sabotage my being every time I’m around you,

Why can’t I just accept that I am enough.

Why can’t others?

Why do your words roll off me like a water droplet?

Why can’t I just be okay?