Dear Stinty

Dear Stinty,

Each time I stood up

To take myself seriously,

Each time I decided to go for it

You told me I was shit

Over and over

In so many ways

And so loud

That I couldn't hear anything else.

But I don't resent you.

I trundled along for years

Hobbled by the weight of your wretchedness.

My heart was so clenched and battered

That I tried not to feel at all.

I could have been sovereign of a glorious life.

Instead you dragged me through the muck

Of self-loathing, fear and shame.

I hated you!

Now I hold you in warmth and goodness.

Where did you come from, Stinty?

Was I born with you?

Did you become ingrained in my mind as a child?

Are you a fragment of ancestral consciousness?

A lost spirit I took pity on?

The imprint of failures from lifetime after lifetime?

I tried to kill you so many times!

Now I accept you.

Stay as long as you like, Stinty.

I have taken my seat on the throne.

We are all queens and kings of our lives.

I never saw this until I claimed my own sovereignty.

Now I am surrounded by the kindness of wise council

I was not able to feel their presence

Until I stopped struggling not to feel yours.

Now you are one of many voices.

Maybe your 'advice' will keep me from ruling with arrogance.

You will find your place in the kingdom.

All my attempts to throw you out

Have been soundly defeated

And like everything in the domain of my awareness

I choose to love you.

I have a feeling I'll be seeing you soon, Stinty

So until until then

Know that I hear you, feel you (do I ever!),

And accept you completely,

Jesse