Dear Loneliness

Dear Loneliness,

You feel so heavy on me,

Like my weighted blanket

Around my neck at night,

After I get out of the shower.

A phantom shiver,

Making me sweat,

In a dark cold room.

Weighing me down,

As I fight back for resistance,

Holding my shoulders up,

In a concerted effort

to push back….

Keeping my head up high.

Struggling to feel

Stronger,

Something,

Pushing Through…

Will you do it???

Will you???

(Yes, I’ll try. No, I’ll DO.)

Self talk

& silence..

Late night pep talks.

-shoulders up.

Be Strength.

Be still.

Be something.

Even if it’s resistance..

(Hoping for radical intentions of peace & resilience.)

Feel your shoulders.

Shoulders. Up.

Heavy innit.

(I know.)

Sit up.

Lay down.

(No, stay up.)

Finally….

Peacefully,

Asleep on the couch

Unconscious,

Partially aware..

Of you

Still weighing me down…

Oh loneliness, here we go

Again, forcing me to wake

up and

Push…

Shoulders Up,

Pushing…

For strength.

Be it.

And push.

Up. Up. Up!

While Fighting the gravity of the blanket–fulfilling its name: Weighted. Blanket.

Be. Stronger.

Push!

But I’m cold &

Half awake, looking around

In Silence.

Channeling Gurdjieff…. tussling with the shock.

Pushing back... In the cold, in the dark & ….

With a weighted blanket on…

actually around my neck.

(Doing Mental Yoga.)

Defying gravity… in the cold.

In the dark.

At night.

Testing me…

Conditioning me.

(Cardiac yoga, too.)

Truly??

(Really.)

That’s why I use it, truly.

it’s why I do it…

Because when I am lonely,

My body, my mind, myself—

They need something…

-To do..

-To try..

-To use..

-To be…

So…so that you, Loneliness, won’t subdue me.

Sincerely,

A Tell-tale Heart