Dear Kristen
From Humble Curdled Ocean Water - a rebuttal/apology to Kristen Balyeat's wonderful Dear Cottage Cheese...I hate you poem, as part of the Paul and Donna Yucky Food Challenge
Dear Kristen (we will be kind and keep things civil, taking the higher ground)
Hate is such a powerful word to use,
You may hate me, but I only mean well.
I am but humble cottage cheese.
Sure, I'm hardly the best-looking thing in the world
I'm not a decadent chocolate mousse or cake or even a homemade ramekin of guac
I did not mean to incur the full extent of your wrath and rage
I merely wanted to help you
I wish I had a better texture than...how did you describe it? "curdled ocean water"
I would love to have a sharp flavour like cheddar or to have a crumbly and creamy texture like Wensleydale
I would even love to have a more pungent flavour like my blue cousins, Gorgonzola, Dolcelatte, and blue Stilton
I am sorry my existence defames cottages and other real cheeses in your mind
I love a good cottage...one preferably in a quiet, serene, and wild forest
away from the haters of my kind...where I can live a happy and peaceful life in seclusion. If I had that in life, I would be content - I could crochet blankets from my curds and just sit in my juices, doing internal work on myself. I'd have a wood-burning furnace or old-style fire, decking area to sit and take in the scent of pine and lavender...that would be bliss...my kind of happiness
It's time, after all, I put myself first.
Time, I accepted nothing but the best
I am not playing second fiddle to anyone, anymore
Maybe once I work on myself, I will return to society, and we can be friends, Kristen.
I live in hope
I wish thee well in life and don't wish thee ill will
Be well,
Mr. Curdled Ocean Water Aka Cottage C. Heese.
*
Thanks for reading.
Author's Note: As part of the ongoing Yucky Food Challenge, as many people have called it, I thought it might be a fun idea to write a rebuttal to many of the awesome poems we have recieved from the subjects of their wrath. For this one, I took on Kristen Balyeat's Dear Cottage Cheese...I hate you, which you can read here:
Hope you enjoy!
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
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Where's the Glory?
In breaking news, rehabilitated Republican Senator Johnnie Johnson (Pronouns: HE, HIM, HIS) called a press conference from the Men’s room of the New Orleans Louis Armstrong International Airport, Concourse B, across from the Ignatius Reilly’s Lucky Dog stand. The Senator had just returned from a sexual reorientation rehabilitation program in Memphis, TN after being publically disgraced at a Buckee’s Truckstop restroom soliciting sex from an undercover cop three months ago. He is a founding member of the Reformed Christians for Christ, a conservative, pro-family and ex-gay advocacy group. In the spirit of being reborn, Senator Johnson invited reporters to marvel at his plans for a major remodeling of airport bathrooms.
By Cathy Schieffelin6 days ago in Humor
Comments (13)
Not a fan
Fabulous!😁
Delightful, Paul. It's about time someone stood up for foods that serve as a base, a foundation if you will, for the more exotic of flavors to flourish. Bravo!
Rebuttal ? Luv it. 😂😂. By the way, I have a re-butt, re-chin, and re-stomach. Gravity reigns supreme. 😂
Holy cow, Mr. Heese! This is hilarious, Paul!
Weiro
Oh damn. Now I feel sorry for the cottage cheese. Lol
😂 😂 😂 OH MY GOSH! Paul! This is an absolutely hilarious and also somehow heart wrenching letter!!! Get me my tissues! 😂 Ok, first of all, when you said “we want to keep things civil” I got the full body shivers. “We” implies that allll thoossseeeee littttlleeee cuuuurrrddds are individuals talking with one voice {shivering now} 😱 This just took cottage cheese to a whole new level…terrifying! That in itself is a horror story waiting to happen. Next, that cottage you describe is actually my dream home 😂 but this was my favorite line of all time: “I could crochet blankets from my curds and just sit in my juices, doing internal work on myself.” 🤣🤣🤣 I mean– that visual! I can’t stop laughing! Although, a cottage cheese quilt now entered my nightmares. If I wake up in a cold sweat fighting my blanket, I’m blaming you! Haha! Paul, this is so hilarious- I keep reading it and laughing, and also equally feel like a bully. Haha! I’ve never received a letter about my behavior, especially from a food item. This is a first! Now I feel guilt for hating so hard 😂 Brilliant and so funny! Great job, Paul!
🤣🤣🤣. Great idea, Paul! I love the rebuttal!! Still can’t get on board with Cottage cheese though 🤢🤢
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA God, I laughed so much for this. Poor Cottage C. Heese 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This was a nice attempt at redemption, lol. However, I don’t think my friend, Mr or mrs cottage cheese is redeemable. You almost had me for a moment until I imagined trying it again with its cold, wet ant larvae texture. Eww 😂
This made me so hungry as a cheese enthusiast… MmMm, Stilton. Why did the voice of the cottage cheese sound like my inner voice? As a city-dwelling hermit, I read the cottage cheese’s monologue and thought, welcome to my world. I don’t think that picture is of cottage cheese, though. No curds or curdled ocean water in sight.
This is so cute, the battle of the food begin ….