Dear Grandma

I still feel your warm cuddles,

I still hear your soothing gentle voice

reassuring me when I am sad,

I can still feel my tears on your

cheeks from a time when I was

bruised and beat;

I still see your sweet smile,

I still hear you saying,

"Everything will be fine,"

I still feel the warmth of your heart

melting mine,

In the lonely days and nights,

When I realise how much time has

Gone by,

There are days when I remember the

good times, and I smile,

There are days when I remember the bad times,

And those are the days when I miss you most,

Nobody ever saw me cry in the depths of my horrible

and lonely past, like you did,

Nobody saw the anxiety cut through my mind

like you did,

And nobody ever understood the fears that surrounded me

like you did,

Dear Grandma;

Some days I still feel that fear,

Some days I still cry those lonely tears,

I desperately search in the night with my ears

for the comforting sound of your voice

And, I search with my arms for the warmth of

your cuddles,

I still feel them;

Though only for a short while,

Then it is dark again,

And I realize that I am alone,

Dear Grandma;

Nobody could love me like you did,

Nobody could protect me like you did,

And,

Nobody could talk to me,

Or,

Understand me like you did,

Yes,

I know,

My life has changed in so many ways,

And, it has changed for the best,

Though,

There are many difficult times in my life too;

So many family problems and illnesses

that I wish you were here,

So that I could talk about them;

You were the one person I trusted the most,

A Mother figure,

There for me,

When everyone else gave up,

Dear Grandma;

Life has been hard without you around,

I have to stand on my own,

Without falling to the ground,

And the ground shakes when my anxiety takes over,

There is nobody to save me now,

But myself;

Dear Grandma,

I know I have to stand tall and survive the dark

without you,

I can hear you saying,

"Carol, you can do this."

I can, sometimes,

But there are days when I want to crumble

and give up, too,

And,

These are the days I need you the most.

I still remember your Bungalow,

And I still remember the flat where you lived

with your new husband, after our grandad sadly passed away

I can still hear the whistle of the kettle,

And I can still see me washing up for you,

I still see the twinkle from the Christmas lights on

your white tree,

I still remember all the joy we shared on holidays

of times past,

How I wish I could bring back those good times,

Dear Grandma;

I wouldn't want to see you in all that pain again,

but;

I miss you,

I wish I could bring you back.

Below is a song by Robbie Williams that I also dedicated to my Grandma. This is also a song that saved my life when I was in hospital in 1998, which was a year that was extremely traumatizing for me.

Music Video Courtesy of YouTube: (Accessed by Author, dated: 04/06/2025).

Rob has saved my life through music time and time again when it comes to my mental health. He is someone who I am deeply inspired by, and touched by.

Some years ago (Neither I nor my husband can remember the dates because of health problems), I was very lucky to have spoken to and become best friends with Rob (which my husband can confirm), during a very difficult period when my husband was looking after him in a healthcare setting at a rehab under Priory Healthcare which has now shut down.

I was very honoured to have spoken to him, although I did have a hard time believing him thanks to a fake profile that was also trying to convince me that he was Rob at that time.

Fake profiles are very wrong. They discredit the person who has worked so hard to achieve their success.

When my Grandma died, I was beyond myself. I felt drowned, and for a while, I could not accept her death or the help that was offered to me.

I felt like that poor, weak, vulnerable person I was back in 1998 when I was picked up from a park, where I had slept for many long nights with no access to food, water, or shelter, and I was completely alone.

I was finally admitted to a hospital after I experienced a bleed from a miscarriage brought on by a traumatic incident, that I did not want to believe was happening.

Many older readers here will know that I had no idea who I was and that I had almost lost my life during that time.

Angels was the song that helped me to remember what music was again, and it was the song that stopped me from taking my own life.

My Grandma was there for me in ways that nobody else had ever been during my young life, and before my admission. After that, there was a large gap because I lost all contact with my family due to trauma.

I finally got back in touch, after I met my husband who was also an in-patient with me, and my Grandma was able to attend our wedding which was on June 25th 1999.

My bond was never lost with my Gran, even after we moved away from our home town to start again.

I had regular calls from her, and we visited her at my Mother's home as much as we could.

Then, I went through another trauma, which set me back a long way, and again almost cost my life.

I lost my children to the care system because I had a relapse and this time, my diagnosis was thought to be BPD, though later it was reoriented to PTSD.

I broke severely, particularly after my youngest son was adopted.

I turned back to listening to Angels, only this time I sat in a room alone after my legal battle ended and I broke down, landing myself back in a hospital.

Today, I am in a much better place; though I do still have problems to fight through, the anxiety that comes from my severe fear of crowds being the most difficult to deal with.

I am attending Rob's concert on 10th June 2025, because I have been desperate to see him since I was a young teenager, and because he deserves to see me fight this since his songs have saved my life over and over again.

This is not to say that I am 100% over my problems, even though I have attended other band's concerts.

None of those concerts have been without fear or tears. There was one time when I had to walk out because the fireworks were so intense that it triggered two fears.

• Extreme fear of the crowd.

• Extreme fear of fire.

I had to use many skills from my therapy to go back inside those halls and enjoy my concert while trying to manage the intense urge to run away.

I have been preparing myself for this concert by ensuring that I have someone with me and that I know who to turn to if I get stuck or feel triggered.

And

I will be using Angels plus thoughts of my Grandma to get me through it, including remembering that I am there to see the most important entertainer in my life, singing the songs I love hearing.