Dear George,

Dear George,

I had a weird phone call with Chris today. He calls me from time to time to check on me. I appreciate the gesture. I just wish that I didn’t feel like I was a box to check off on his to do list. It didn’t seem like he actually wanted to talk to me. We struggled for things to talk about outside of what is going on with the family. It was overall a pleasant call but still, it was weird. Maybe it’s because I stopped being whoever I think I need to be in the family. I think he’s still trying to be that guy to everyone. I’m kidding myself, I’m still trying too. I volunteered a little at the end about my business pursuits. I wish I hadn’t. He didn’t ask and I shouldn’t feel like I need to report to him. He did lend me several thousand dollars though, it is understandable why I feel such a need. I know he lent you money too but I didn’t tell you about mine.

The family dynamic is definitely different. You are gone, leaving the two competitive siblings to actually compete. I don’t think either of us do it intentionally. According to mom, Chris has been winning for a long time. I know you know. If you ask Dad, I won by being born female. Again, you know this too. Chris and I dance around being strong, independent, and available to Mom and Dad since you’ve left us. We can each see the other’s views but we don’t want to live there permanently. That said, we did great together when you went into the hospital. Our collective faith got us through it. And, you were still with us. You held us all together in our prayers to your closed eyes.

I think it’s okay that it felt forced today. It was. If I didn’t want to talk, I shouldn’t have answered the phone. And if he didn’t want to talk, he shouldn’t have called. Maybe neither of us knew how we felt. I sought to fill the void of silence. I should have asked him truly, “are you okay?” Because he called me for a reason, but didn’t say much. Maybe he misses you and just wanted to talk to me as a reminder that we are brother and sister and that it really sucks that you’re gone.

I love you brother. It’s hard living without you sometimes. It definitely feels weird and wrong. We are all struggling to adapt. I know your transition was peaceful. I hope it’s amazing wherever you are. Check in on us from time to time. We could use some holding together.

Love your baby sis,

T