Dear Baby I Never Got To Meet.

1998,

A year I will never forget,

How could I?

I was in pain, alone, and

forgotten about;

I remember sitting on that bench,

Hand on my stomach,

Numb to the pain,

Unable to admit what was happening to

me,

He never knew about you,

I never told him;

I hope you will forgive me,

It happened without my consent,

Sharp pains in my back,

Icey knives down my legs,

Feeling tired now,

Still wishing I were dead,

"Should I call an ambulance?"

I asked,

As I sat there,

Waterfalls trickling from my eyes,

Tear drops from being hurt,

Confused,

Not knowing the truth,

Denial,

And betrayal.

That night;

I decided to try and walk,

Only to find myself outside a telephone box,

With hands,

Cut and sore,

From digging,

Trying to find you,

When I realised I was losing you,

Trying to find my baby from before you,

The one I also lost,

Still feel pain, hurt and guilt,

Blaming myself for her,

And for you.

I didn't mean to let either of you go,

Was it my fault?

Was it not?

It must be my fault;

I was supposed to carry you,

And yet again;

He got away with it,

He got away with putting his filthy hands on me,

For abusing and hurting me,

Am I a waste of space?

Why did this happen to me?

Why did this happen to you?

And,

To her?

Still that horrid trickle down there,

That pain,

Now engulfing my whole body,

Tells me another life has been lost

again.

I continued to dig,

Desperate to find the bones,

Desperate to find her,

Desperate to find you;

Eventually,

I picked up the phone,

"I need help,"

I cried,

Another desperate plea to be heard.

Dear baby;

I'm sorry I lost you,

Heartbroken,

Ripped inside,

As I remember another tragedy in my life;

I'm haunted by that memory,

I never blamed you,

Or her,

No matter how painful,

I would have still loved you,

Even though he never loved me.

I hated him,

He should have been the one to die!

But;

I left those words unspoken,

This is a vile man,

Seduced me when he was drunk,

Disgusting!

Horrible!

Selfish,

Sex-craved arsehole,

Who never thought about where he was dipping it!

He only ever thought about his last drink,

I'm left picking up the shattered Glass and ashes left behind,

by my heart.

Dear baby;

I'm sad we never got to meet,

I would have brought you up,

Despite your father being a creep,

We would have sung songs together,

I would have rocked you to sleep,

Side by side,

With your sister;

In heaven,

Angels protect you,

I'm sorry I lost you,

From heaven;

They remind me,

You're worthy of love,

Despite the horrible way you left me;

When summer blossom falls from Cherry trees,

showering you with love,

I think about you,

With your sister in heaven above,

Sleep tight, my angel,

I'm sorry we never got to meet.