DARK LIGHT

Waking up to a new day with great hope and new grace.

Touching my tummy and speaking positive words towards it,

Hoping that one day it will carry greatness.

It is a story to tell,

a hope that left our hearts broken

a light that faded within a blink of an eye.

It was good news to discover that God heard my prayers

So much joy, so much hope,

new plans I set in preparation for the good news.

How to explain it is unutterable,

the feeling of hosting a new life inside me was another level of joy.

each time I touched my tummy,

I could feel the bond growing each day,

my best half, too, was so sunken into the new feeling of waiting and planning,

the journey of looking for sweet names,

the sense of debating “it is a boy” NO.

“I know it is a girl.”

this was fun and full of hope.

Every time I would experience the sickness, the mood swings,

I would positively speak to it with a smile,

“keep growing, my little angel; I will remain strong till I hold you in my arms.”

I called you “Eleanor” to mean my shining light.

Otherwise, I thought to call you ‘Elsie’ to mean God in abundance,

I would go window shopping in preparation for the great day of receiving you,

we would sit down to think of how mysterious you got into our lives,

it was like flashing lighting; it was a mystery to us both.

We all thought to call you a mysterious name, but that day never came in the journey of deciding the name.

It was a sweet encounter to have you grow inside me.

It was an answer that I was pampering and holding on to.

The story I still can’t tell without tears rolling down my cheeks.

One fine evening when we were having fun

I realized I was getting wet

when I checked and found blood

when the light started losing its glow.

The situation was painful, seeing blood flowing out.

I found out that they were dangerous signs of losing you.

Each moment turned out to be a mourning period,

I could not imagine losing you before I could see you,

the momentum I had developed to carry you kept diminishing

every time I saw you flowing out from my womb.

I mourned you, and I still am.

As days unfolded, you departed in shifts. I didn’t know what to believe or not to. The pain was so severe physically and mentally.

The torture became nightmares that haunt me each time

I think about your existence inside me.

At times I remain speechless,

the desire to have you overwhelm me,

it was a dream that never came to be,

I still fail to understand why one day I was expectant

then just as a surprise, I wasn’t.

the final day when you were manually disconnected from me in the hospital bed, you left me in sorrow, you left me weak,

you left me hopeless; you left me wounded,

you left me out of my mind.

The stability of my mind took a long time to get back.

I wouldn’t say I like to connect your departure with any situation,

any past sin I committed, or any phenomenon.

The doctors said that you never developed to anything

yet I could feel your life inside me.

I was made to believe all, but one thing I know is that

I felt the progress of your growth inside me.

At times, the anguish in my mind made me believe I was insane or in depression.

I dodged the voice of preachers; I went silent from thinking,

I was always busy in my mind evading the pain.

I still am not comfortable staying in a silent environment,

I can’t compose myself; I don’t know how to feel,

I wish you were patient to journey with me this whole life.

My shining light, you left darkness in my heart and my mind.

When I touch my tummy, I struggle with the feeling, only to feel it empty.

I hope you will resurrect in my life someday.

I didn’t know where I failed till you decided to depart.

I love you, my baby.

I will meet you someday.