Covert Conservative

I’m fun!

I love.

I won’t question!

I promise I won’t make you feel bad.

Love is love and that is that!

Yet inside this exterior I feel deeply inferior.

I live in the shadows of the loudest and scariest voices which only sound when I don’t agree.

So agree, I will!

I’ll keep it up.

I smile and hug!

“Live and let live” I say

But I have a weight in my stomach like a canon ball in an empty pillow case.

It is all wrong.

But has become normal!

So I just keep going and don’t question.

I scrabble for words and actions that make me look progressive.

“JUST SUPPORT ME”!

So I do.

I agree and celebrate!

But inside I’m dying 'cause I know there is truth and deep down I am crying.

The sphere of steel rolling around won’t stay contained for much longer I fear.

“Yes do what you want. LIVE AND LET LIVE! Be and live and know your own truth!”

I say, my conscience eroding.

Integrity corroding.

If I carry on like this I’m going to die or maybe even kill someone.

“Okay… it’s time to come out… I’ve got to be honest… I’m not who you thought…”

“It’s okay”, they say, we’ll love you whatever! You do you and me do me. Tell us your truth and just see what will happen!

So I take a great risk and empty the pillow; the cannon ball tumbles straight onto the table.

"I’m conservative!"

But a barrage of words and names come howling across the table.

A torrent of judgement. A swath of abuse. Apparently I’m racist and sexist.

“Just kidding!” I blurt.

And the warm familiarity returns. But it now it sticks out as fake as plastic.

But I wasn’t kidding.

I am hostage to agreement.

Lest my reputation and friendship pay the unfair ransom of death.

So I stay shackled.