Consume me

In my minds eye, I can only see pain and sorrow.

In my minds eye, there is a vicious storm, rolling and thrashing, wrecking havoc everywhere it goes.

Pulling strings apart and tearing down the walls I’ve had up for so long.

What caused this storm, where does its origin begin.

In my soul, I feel the power. My heart shudders from the anger and pain, receding into itself. Tears burn in my throat, hot and heavy, while my brain does it’s best to stop the thrum from taking over.

Where did it come from. What unleashed the storms might onto me?

Simple conversation can be the enemy. Revealing the truth of my fears to a friend, or foe. Or perhaps, simple physical pain, that’s all consuming, and dreaded.

I feel anxious, depressed, and full of a sorrow I can’t quite understand. Who let you in?

Who gave it permission to take over my day, my night, my thoughts and dreams.

Did I invite it in? Did I leave the door open, even Just a crack, so it could slip in?

Anger and sadness have an amazing way of consuming all the light and love in my life.

I have so much to be happy for, reasons to enjoy my day, life and children. But the storm blew in and stole all my joy today.

Is there something rotten at my core? Have I become the source of the infection?

The only true way to know is to remove all the outside things, but that’s impossible.

Instead I’ll dig, and chase leads through the pain. No gain without pain, right? If I can’t outthink the anger, I may as well Immerse myself and snuff it out at the source, wherever that may be.

Physical pain, perhaps, is bringing me to my knees. The facade lasts only so long as it’s emotions I contend with.

God could be sending this storm, to remind me that I cannot do it all, be it all, and control it all. I need Him to get through.

My eyes are weary, my heart feels wrung out, and I just long to sleep the way my son does snuggled in the crook of my body.

His breath is soft, heartbeat slow and steady. Skin smooth and warm, making the cold night feel less harsh.

Maybe, it’s fear I let in. Fear of the unknown, of the uncontrollable forces outside this safe little snuggle.

I am afraid I cannot protect them from everything.

I am afraid that I am not good enough as their mother.

I am afraid that I will die too young like parents, and orphan them like I have been.

I am afraid that this cruel world will steal their childhood as mine was stolen.

I am afraid.

Fear is a liar.

Suddenly, the storm seems to be on the outs. Once I name the source, it can’t hold onto me.

In my minds eye, I can see the storm move off into the distance, bring about a refreshed soul.

In my minds eye, I see my God who loves me the way I am.