Consequences of Goodbye

"Consequences of Goodbye" finally posted on 03/09/2025, 11:50PM PST.

Laying alone with the consequences of my goodbye, I rest without your presence.

It is the stillness of my room, the quietness of the night when all else is asleep except the sole heart that yearns for a new hope, that makes this loneliness harsher than it has to be.

It is so still that I can feel the steady beat of my heart five fold. Each tap of my heart through the surface of my chest is a little knock that doesn't go away as natural as the ticking of a clock.

I'm aware and can hear myself inhale even more as I'm alone.

The atmosphere hot and stifling, it is oppressive, weighing me down, thick with the sensation of wanting to let my tears fall.

Brushing my fingers over my own arms to feel the comforting touch of a hand, I hug myself knowing that I will, have, and continue on this way like before.

I try to grasp, to hold onto the sliver of comfort, but with much inner turmoil I've resigned it's just not meant for me.

It's so endless, all these thoughts and this constant yearning that ever since that day when we parted from one another, I haven't been able to rest properly a single day.

My mind is crying though my body is tired, waiting inside it's own self-imposed hell for you to come back.

It is for this single hope that was long ago extinguished which constantly returns. I thought it would die but this little hope is reborn new every morning even when my mind insists to grieve it's absence.

Why am I so weak? And do you ever feel as such yourself?

Do you ever think of what I've become? How have you changed since then?

The silence along the house permeates my every thought. In the absence of you I become more aware than ever of my existence in this life.

The first day it hurt to sit in it knowing we wouldn't see eachother again.

After hundreds of days passed from that farewell you'd think that l'd of gotten used to existing alone, once again.

I have not gotten any closer to peace.

When will I grow a backbone? Since my birth, will the suffering ever end? A place to lean my hand upon has always been my true wish.

Though after so long, I second-guess myself. Am I the source of sadness and cowardice?

Perhaps the god of this existence has forever cursed me.

Sweetness, laughter, our moments of warmth we shared amidst our stubborn ones...we both wondered if it's okay to shield ourselves from the rain under the umbrella I held.

Those days have come and gone, minute after minute, passing along with each second the moment you lifted your foot to begin walking away.

A cliché, I counted your days since that farewell, I've felt the days since that silent surrender. Those are the feet that only take you further away from the shade of my umbrella.

Each day paints new memories on us and on our canvas until what used to be there is covered forgotten amidst time,

Sunrise, yes, it comes to remind me that the upcoming night will surely, once more, bear the same aching results as all the previous yesterdays. And that there is no time to focus on the potential of each new dawn because all there is despair.

Despite all of that, I am perpetually waiting each night for something to change the thoughts I can't escape.

I am stuck and there is nothing beside me to help me feel something other than the familiar pain of routine. It's grown even more with the absence of you.

Loneliness, crying, calling for you in the same position since the time you left. I must be really pathetic to not have made any movement since then?

Whispering my wish out to the world is futile, speaking to you under the cover of the night is fruitless. It never dies. It never ends even with the outcome always the same.

I speak to you but no one is there to relay the message.

Even the heavens that see and hear all have decided that my tears would fall upon deaf ears. Is it a punishment or a testing of character?

It's impossible, it'll never reach you.

That is what I believe.

Will I kick this habit of wallowing in the same inescapable night?

"I'm sorry," you couldn't even give.

Was your heart not facing mine even just a little bit when you turned away?

You forced my hand to say goodbye to you.

At the end of all this I'm left with one thought; Am I truly pathetic for what my heart won't let go?

Like the light of a star, in my thoughts you come and go.

All of these thoughts, all while I lie in bed, the days once more blended into one.

I haven't gotten closer to that peace I crave and the need for a hand to touch.