Conflicting Thoughts

Almost 24 & I still can't begin to even fathom the reason why I'm so harsh,

Maybe it's because of my own insecurities.

Even then, I still don't get why I still cause harm but try to play it off into that of a mere farce,

Maybe that's the part of me that I'm too afraid to face within me so I refer to it as one of my amenities.

As time goes on I contemplate on how I should proceed with my life,

But all that comes to mind is that raw, mind-numbing sensation of being a failure.

I can't seem to abide by it anymore because all of my emotions turn into strife,

No matter what I do it just seems to be only making things worse as if it was just all some form of torture.

I guess it's something within me that I can't seem to get past,

So I project it onto others as if that would solve my problems.

But I have come to realize that it's nothing bad but also I can't outlast,

I know it'll swallow me whole if I deny the problem within me that has multiplied into tiny conundrums.

To this day I still wonder how it got so bad & came to this point,

But at least to others I seem fine because I hold on strong while being self taught.

I'm a good man but whatever it is, it's turning me into someone that just disappoints,

So I just sit in my office & write these poems so I at least have something to show for when it all comes to an end; even though all of this is just my conflicting thoughts.