Color Watch

Speckled pink and definitely not

Thick

We have twin skin only

yours is brand new.

Unwrapping you from swaddle and choice, I time travel to places familiar and not— you are like I was only

Like you.

All last night it was one eye open, then the other. Then both. Then...I can’t remember.

They said to watch your color— “don’t be nervous, just look at his color,” they said. So I watched it like the thunder.

I’d like you to know something about your mother-

no, don’t worry about it. it’s all too much.

The gracious sunrise is now here and she dances through this room where I once

Laid dormant and

crying in

dark blankets.

{you were growing inside. then all of a sudden you were hooked up to science out in the bright light.}

Did your know your toes were purple?

Your dad was the one who noticed and told them what to do.

I, gaping and awkward, knew nothing.

You, a little baby bird swaddled in someone else’s choices, were everything.

I loved them and hated them for knowing you so well and so I tried in vein to cry enough to swallow you back in.

Nothing was safe anymore.

They told me to rest, that you would be home soon enough.

No Fanks.

The days rolled together like ms. monster knot in my hair, like the neglected laundry tangling into sheet.

But then one day, {when you were stronger than you’d ever been but weaker than you’d ever be} , they handed you to me

and

said to

trust my

gut and

Watch your color.

“Call us if he turns blue!”

The moon must look at me now like “wha!?” Because All I do is hover on this bed like it’s a diving board to your every need.

you look like I never dreamed but always knew, you peachy piece of sunrise.

I’m terrified

No machines here to prove your heart to me- just my eyes and my gut and oh god, I lost that part when things went so differently.

{differently is a nice way of saying sucky?}

My hair comes out in clumps and my clothes are someone else’s machine—

Will i ever sleep quietly under my covers again? I’m cockeyed and falling today.

Sunlight cues your stretch. How did you learn that trick?

Snap. I am slapped sober and

You need me.

The feeling is mutual ; my cheeks are flushed and flushing.

Am I doing right by you baby? Are you enjoying your stay? Is it the 5 star experience that will form you into a fully functioning and empathic adult?

God, I hope so.

Your skin is

like mine.

{so get a load of that privilege.}

Step aside.

Step.

Outside.

We will make it to the golden hour, baby.

It’s a mountain to climb but we will.

I’m told we will all be graying and remembering soon enough.