Colder Than a Witch's Teat

Got up the other morning to a god-forsaken sight

It had snowed a few inches during the night

With the weatherman predicting more

In my warmest slippers, I walked across the floor

Intending to make a pot of coffee to begin the day

Turning the kitchen faucet, I let out a sound of dismay

For no water came out of the spigot

Hurriedly, I checked the well’s breaker and flipped it

Still, no water appeared to flow

Shivering, I knew outside I had to go

To check the wellhouse heater

Knowing that nothing was wrong with the electric meter

Resigning myself, I shrugged and put on my heavy winter gear

Walking the twenty feet just to relieve my fear

To my surprise, it was a harder chore

And the cold pierced me to my core

Gasping for breath, I opened the shed’s door

Only to be blasted with heat along every exposed pore

Turning, I trudged back to the warmth of my home

Along the way, I somehow tripped over the garden gnome

Inside, I tried to warm my numb fingers and toes,

As the snow levels outside rose

I began to brainstorm a fix

I knew the pipes had frozen sometime after six

With a sudden idea, I knew what I had to do

I grabbed my tools and ran to bedroom number two

Waking up the youngest with all the racket

I sent her to find the box of extension cords and unpack it

As I unscrewed the trapdoor from its place

Really hoping that beneath there’d be a heater-sized space

Pulling up the floor, I let out a moan

Realizing my heaters are too big, I let out a groan

Oh, please don’t let my pipes burst, I prayed

I’m running out of things worth anything to trade

So I sat and wondered what I would do

After thirty minutes, I suddenly heard a hullabaloo

Jumping up, I ran to see what the commotion could be

Trying to get to the kitchen to see

But first, I had to make it through the sea of pets

They ignored my pleas for them to cool their jets

I stumbled

I almost tumbled

I feared I would enter realms uncharted

Finally, the four dogs and three cats parted

And I was able to enter the kitchen

To see a sight most bitching

My water was flowing just fine

Fingerscrossed, nothing had busted in the line

So we set about

Checking every line out

Everything in sight

Looked alright

Finally, with coffee in hand

I could sit and look out at the winter wonderland

Glad I didn’t have to go out

Wishing my heaters had more clout

I was dressed in too many layers

It was too cold to even write about dragon slayers

Going out of mind

This weather was not kind

Temperature quickly dropping

The trees are busy popping

Windows glazing with ice

Mother Nature isn’t very nice

Stray cats sleeping in the shed

The youngest made sure they were fed

Inside cats refuse to go outside

So they fill the litterbox up inside

Dogs stay in till they are about to pop

Although around the heater is where they like to flop

My girls sit under their blankets, hollering, " It's too cold.”

While I shake my head, thinking how bold

For two girls who don’t pay the electric

I’m worried about getting sick

It’s too cold for my old bones

Sometimes I wish I had clones

For two whole days, the snow came down

Until the white completely covered the winter brown

Through it all, our lights stayed on

I was thankful, through the layers I had to don

Days almost turned into a week of negative degrees

I could really feel it in my knees

It was so cold, Hell must have started to freeze over

The whole world is under a frozen cover

Dangerous temps

Shimmery color tempts

Limiting exposure

Losing composure

A touch of cabin fever

The weather is a deceiver

Dripping noses

Snow-crusted roses

Ice-crusted snow

Caps pulled down low

Snow-capped houses

Heavy winter blouses

Salt-crusted cars

Nothing open, not even the bars

Footprints in the powder

Keeping warm with a cup of clam chowder

It’s too cold for man or mouse

It’s time to cuddle with your spouse

Enjoy the heat while you can

For next month, you’ll be paying the electric man