Butterfly 🦋

Happy Birthday my little butterfly.
Well not so little anymore are you?
I have seen you once in the last few years,
for a small moment in time.

I remember you're face,
full of surprise and happiness.
But I wish that day never happened,
I wish I could take it back.

Don't get me wrong,
seeing you again was so amazing,
You were so beautiful and grown.
You had the face of a young lady
carved perfectly around those sweet brown eyes.

But the situation got twisted and the motive misunderstood.
When in all honesty,
I was just following my motherly instincts
to help your sister when she reached out.

Everyone told me when I chose to have you on Friday the 13th, I was crazy.
Maybe they were right,
maybe I did curse myself.

At least I know I didn't curse you,
my brave and nurturing little Leo.
With the biggest heart
and cheesiest smile.

Writing this was harder than I thought it would be,
crazy how years pass and nothing is easier.
I asked you're grandpa to tell you happy birthday for me,
he said he did.

Along with that message
was a picture of you.
My God, I knew you'd grown,
but not that much.

You're a mountain biker,
and you love it from what I hear.
I also heard yesterday was your first day of high-school...
fuck me.

That hit me in a different way.
I mean when your big sister started
that was one thing,
but you, that meant something else.

That meant that the deep knowing I had,
the one buried where I didn't have to see it
was finally staring in my face…

I have now officially missed both,
of the rest of your childhoods.
Little girls no longer,
only beautiful young women.

I scroll through the old pictures I have,
some make me smile, others cut me deep.
If only there was a way to restart,
but with the understanding I have now.

Seeing that picture made my heart happy though,
you looked happy.
That's ultimately what matters to me anymore,
That you and big sis are okay.

I know you're brilliant,
I've always known you would be.
I'm just sorry I wasn't there,
to watch as you grew into the
amazing human you are today.

But I'm continuing to be better every day,
Just in case one day after you're 18,
I get that message that says,
“Hey Mom.”