Brother

your laugh cuts me in half

your eyes that tell lies

your echoing narcissism

in my head.

every sound I make

every move I make

you are quick with

your criticisms and

righteous behaviors.

you make me feel small

tiny, invisible;

you were my brother,

and i was your little sister

your judgment is all I've known.

stop trying to shelter these lies

behind your convenient concern for others

when you have no money

how quick we don't exist

when you don't need.

you broke our mom's heart

you made mine bleed

it seems to me that you always feed

on this drama and chaos

your twisted satisfaction

stinging me more.

that you could look at me,

Anne Marie,

your little sister,

the one you called "kiddo"

all those years ago

once your best friend,

and treat me like I am nothing?

you have no empathy or sympathy

quite frankly, you're probably

a sociopath!

(insert ill-timed but fitting

Bo Burnham line here),

someone who groomed me,

trained me to be someone I'm not

and remember when you chased me

out of your apartment with a knife?

you think I'm causing all this pain

but the only thing that remains

of that big brother who was once

my best friend lies in the photo

we took at Kings Dominion

on the Wayne's World scene they had set up

outside the Hurler roller coaster

That was one of my favorite days,

you were there, and mom was there,

you were my brother.

then, one day, that person vanished

replaced with a cold, distant

psychopath. sometimes I wonder why

I couldn't have the family that I wanted

I always dreamed of fixing it all

and bringing us all back together again

like in the 90s at the beach, looking

for hermit crabs with our flashlights

at night. running through the sand,

feeling the little legs of critters crawl

across your skin every now and then

reminding you about your life

where you are, and that joy

of discovering something so

small, so simple, that could

bring so much joy

to us as kids, as chasing

hermit crabs with flashlights

down the beach.

and talking until it's

way too late with our sister

at the beach condo

hearing the sounds of the man

playing saxophone

outside on the boardwalk

lulling us to sleep amidst the

midnight ocean breeze.

those times were my favorite times.

you broke my heart, too, brother,

you broke my heart and I

never accepted it, until now.