Brambles

I crave the sweetness of my childhood

but dread the bitter aftertaste

of the lies from which it was woven

and all I want

is a soft place to lay

but the ground is riddled

with overgrown brambles

that I can’t bear to look at

long enough to preen

I wish I could forget to remember

but smells

and sights

and sounds

are vicious triggers

white hot bullets

ripping through me

tainting rosé tinted memories

and pre-determined destinies

I used to see a future

or at the very least a path

stretching out in front of me

but this “future” is a mirage

evading me further

the further I chase it

a taunting echo

battering me while I pray

desperately

for this infinite present

to end

What do I make of these shattered remains

of who I used to be

the life I used to lead

and what I used to believe?

What do I do with these

tattered costumes

I used to don as skin?

It’s so cold here

sitting in the truth;

It’s too dark here

in this unknown

and I’m sick of waiting

for the other shoe

to drop.

I have no past to fall back on

because if I fall

there will be no getting up

It’s there behind me now

sticky black tar

ready to drag me into the deep

and watch me drown

in all my pain

and all that I can’t change

and every so-called good memory

I can’t erase

I fear I’ve lost the strength

to keep on running

and soon

the darkness and the thorns

will overtake me

and wrap themselves around me

crush the fight right out of me

squeeze and rock me

into an endless sleep

until I’m just undergrowth

trapped beneath their weight

where nobody would be able to find me

even if I screamed

I wish I could paint my past as

“bittersweet”

and let it be

believe that the good was

good and real

but they’re not

“bittersweet”

these sugary things

turned vile:

rotting—

festering

behind a locked chamber of my heart.

I crave my childhood

like a drug

knowing that which I crave

will surely kill me

and the relief it offers

is just a temptation

but I still can’t shake the feeling

of needing

longing

thinking maybe…

I could venture into those waters

without getting wet.