BPD episode

I’m so scared that my emotions have no meaning. When i say the words “I love You”, do i actually mean it? When I promise “I will always be there for you”, do I know how to keep it? Am I even real? My words, do they have the ground to stand on? Am I allowed to say “ I stand by it” when I scream my opinion? Because the truth is, my emotions are just like waves in the ocean, no stability, no clarity, just a beautiful view for couple of seconds till it’s gone.

By the time I started writing this, I felt the darkest, deepest sadness that You could ever imagine. I was sitting in my bathroom, screaming my soul out, feeling like nobody understands me and nobody can help me. I was sure that I have to end all my friendships and relationships in order to save these people from a tsunami that can occur whenever I'm next to them. The world around me looked like an aesthetically unpleasant picture with a weird filter on it. It is a feeling that makes you consider the possibility of ending it all…

Now I am back in my bedroom, sitting with my brother on a huge and very comfortable bed. I feel peaceful. He is showing me funny videos that he found on Instagram, we are both laughing and talking about our own embarrassing moments from our childhood. I am happy now, I feel free. This ache in my chest is no longer torturing me. The waters are calm and steady. I can't wait to call my mom and tell her that I love her. I can't wait to hug my boyfriend and promise him my heart, soul and body. I feel real again, my emotions do have a meaning!

Yes, this whole roller coaster happened in an hour. Yes, I live like this every single day and… It is hard to enjoy life, but it is harder to not ruin it all for my loved ones.

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