blood on my brain
poem. cw if you really need it, but i feel this is important.
there's a line
a few in fact
that i forget
the relevance
so resolute
in my affliction
i take a moment
turn it into
a lifetime
of positional
sadness
no. emptiness.
fill it with what?
i think i need
the parting
the thighs
the wanton
the barrage
my senses
shot
hormonal depth charge
there may as well be blood on my brain as i give in and give way to greedy covertness/covetousness
slay any notion of being a self respecting man in a world designed to corrupt continually the minds of men and women
i am not the solution
am i part of the problem
i wince and feel the disillusionment
the detachment falls away
giving room centre stage to the main event
unable to peel my eyes away
i am romantic. this isn't romance
i love sex. this isn't reality
connection to something other than my loathsome self, please.
but, this isn't connection. it's butchered and murdered. poisonous scintillation branded as entertainment in the name of... well anyone. the names and faces change, the bodies and the juices all change, even the places change but it's the same. masquerading as harmless titillation with pert nips, responsive hips and gyration the eyes sell it as much as the slick lips and piercing members. the moans are loud and the love, the passion hushed to the point of absolution
to commune with the sadness
that cliched silent sadness
patient it perseveres
gorges on guilt
ravages regret
a fervent fever dream of disassociation and disconnection from a line or two
i must fight this sickness
find a cure
i must fight this sickness
*
thanks for reading!
author's notes: final lines reference "Pornography" by The Cure, the title and last track from what is probably the band's darkest album.
this was written while thinking of another piece i wrote that i am extremely proud of, called 40% Proof.
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection out now!
Streams and Scratches in My Mind coming soon!
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Do you understand haiku?
Do you ever get sidetracked when writing? I do. I think it must be in the nature of the creative mind to draw connections and have a need to explore them. Since the World Wide Web became established in the 1990s, this has become a lot easier to do. The phenomenon being described as ‘going down a wormhole.’ Sometimes a distraction, but I have written some of my best work when I have disappeared down one web wormhole or another. It also happened in the days when most of my research was book based so we can't blame it on the internet. Book research was just slower. These days, guided by my AI friend, it is much, much quicker.
By Raymond G. Taylora day ago in Poets
Comments (20)
This poem captures so much darkness and confusion but there’s also a sense of searching for redemption or clarity beneath it all. It’s powerful and I can see why it means so much to you.
The addicted brain is hotwired the wrong way. Exquisite writing as the reality is cruel.
Honestly, the title had me reading all of this to see if it was from the perspective of another serial killer/kidnapper/predator (you do use that POV), but the ending cleared it up, haha
Stark and painful writing, the pain of addiction and the carnage it sometimes brings convincingly evoked. Pain makes for wonderful art, but in the end it's still pain. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time of it, Paul. Addictions are brutal and greedy monsters as well as life robbers. I wish you the very best in your endeavor to fight your way back to health. I know it's never easy. Many of us are so addicted to over stimulation that it's hard to recognize that what we really need is a good old-fashioned hug and a healthy dose of perspective. The good news is that when you are as old as I am, over stimulation loses a lot of its appeal and perspective looms far larger than titillation. Quite honestly, I'm sick to death of love scenes in movies and TV. It's always the same, crass male daydream bullshit. I am heartily sick of it all. Get back to the story, says I.
Brilliant description of how all the love and connection can be washed away in adult content online - Well done
Temptation... my oldest mistress, we meet again!! Well done Paul!! Congrats on Top Story!!!
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
todos hemos tenido pensmientos oscuros, me gusta como te expresas....
👌👌
How gory is the story of human passion … excellent
Raw and vulnerable. We all have dark thoughts or desires. Takes a strong person to realize them and speak of them
“I think I need…” so relatable, servants of our own wanting. Great poem!
"that cliched silent sadness patient it perseveres gorges on guilt ravages regret a fervent fever dream of disassociation and disconnection from a line or two" I especially loved the alliteration going on in these lines! Your poem was so intense, deep, and raw!
Visceral and real. Great work!
When did you add nuisance to your bio? Made me laugh! Still fighting those demons? Giving them light through words will vanish them!
I love how raw and vulnerable your writing is, Paul. You’re telling the truth, the whole ugly truth, without caring what other people might think, and I appreciate that. Well done.
You are only human and these thoughts if we all want to be honest have probably thought the same thing somewhat in a way. Good job.
I had a comment... but my page closed. retrack... Something about the illusion of the veil falling away, lemme re-read this though. The veil of the illusion falls away when truth is spoken. (OKay, it's different, maybe better, maybe worse). I knew what it was before the word was said. I've been in it, to feel disgusted with myself after, the world that doesn't exist, from people being fake, to people faking it, scenes skip and suddenly you're in the deep end. It is not harmless, as you said "it's butchered and murdered. poisonous scintillation" Your honesty is inspiring
I appreciate the vulnerability and honesty of this poem. Brilliant writing Paul. Makes me think about how sex and sexual stuff can be humanizing, affirming, and healthy…. Or toxic, dehumanizing, and compulsive. Very thought provoking piece, and the personal tone invites the reader into reflection as well as social commentary.
Raw as always. Always respect you putting yourself out there