Bipolar vs identity

What parts of me are me?? As I’m here laying in bed I’m wondering, what part of me is truly me,and not formed by my diagnosis or past pain..Trauma has shaped me (even though I walked away, the pain is still with me) no actual escape from the abuse because it altered my brain permanently,,anxiety controls my thoughts, and bipolar gives me only ups and downs there is no middle ground,; I can’t even trust that my happiness is real, or if I’m just in mania,, are my thoughts even my own thoughts??? or do I just need to add another pill to changes those thoughts??? it’s a constant battle trying to figure out if anything that I feel/think is valid.. I miss the me before the 7 year abusive relationship,,the diagnosis,,the worries and children. All I can HOPE is to get a piece of her back. All I was left with is HOPE. The only real part of me,is the genuine HOPE I have for a cure for this madness and for the feeling to be able to trust my happy, to be able to accept love from others,, and to continue being the best mom I can for my child. For an end to this war/madness in my brain,, my head/heart hurts!!! will it ever stop????