Bilingual Brain

My brain speaks

In two different languages

Gotta go

I have so much energy

I can do this and this and this

I don’t need food

I don’t need sleep

I don’t need water

Why am I seeing stars?

It’s fine

Probably should’ve stopped at that light

Oh well at least I’m not dead

Laugh it off

It’s fine

Haven’t slept in a week

Oh well at least I got shit done

Write it off

It’s fine

My heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest

Oh well at least my watch thinks I am exercising

Shake it off

The tremors ripping through me

Unable to sit still

But it’s fine

Everything’s fine

It’s fine It’s fine It’s fine

My world is on fire

But it’s fine

But I want to die

I want to stay in bed all day

I want to cut at the skin on my arm until I feel something other than dead

I want to isolate from everything and everyone

Because I don’t want to be here anymore

And it’s easier to leave when no one’s there

A dark cloud constantly surrounds me

Anyone who wants to be around me

Should bring an umbrella

Because the cloud could release a downpour at any moment

I know being around people should help

But it just reminds me that I’m not as strong as they think I am

I won’t say it outloud

But I wish I was dead

I thought my bilingual brain

Was because I was too emotional

Because I had no emotional regulation skills

That I could be cured with some Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

And some practice

And simply talking it through

And then it happened

I had my first diagnostically significant manic episode

As I explained to my therapist what happened

Her eyes narrowed first then a look of understanding crossed her face

She got out her DSM-V

And the word “bipolar” crossed her lips

My brain went quiet

Then all the stigma associated with that word flooded my head

Anxiety bubbles in my chest

Truth be told we were discussing this for months

But I wasn’t getting away from it this time

And then it happened

She got out her computer and changed my diagnosis

She looked at me with a warm smile

“You’re not alone in this”

And then it happened

A sense of relief

Of knowing what’s happening to me

Of knowing that I will make it through this

Of knowing that I am not the stigmas

And then it happened

An urge to educate

To learn everything I possibly can

To prove the stigmas are wrong

And now it’s happening

I’m using my heart and voice

To educate myself and others

To prove that being Bipolar isn’t bad

Yes, it’s hard to manage at times

But I am still here

We are still here

And despite the stigmas

We are not going away

My brain speaks in two different languages

I used to think that was a bad thing