Becoming Visible

Love, what are you afraid of?

What do you believe they see?

Tell me honey.

--

How chubby I think I am.

I’m afraid they’ll see how big my face is,

the double chin that comes with it.

I’m afraid they’ll see

how my tummy protrudes,

how gigantic my thighs are.

..

I’m afraid they’ll see me

the way I see me.

--

I know.

I see the way you flinch

when you pass a mirror—

that flicker of disgust.

It breaks me, too.

..

Some girls can pull off chubby.

I’m not one of them.

It’s like I don’t belong

in my own skin.

--

You belong.

Even here.

Even now.

..

I thought the new glasses would help.

In the store, I felt bold.

Confident.

Feminine.

Like a writer—like someone I wanted to be.

But now?

Now I just feel

exposed.

--

Because these frames

don’t let you hide.

They show more of your face,

more of you.

And I know that feels

like too much.

But darling—

that’s the point.

..

I feel like I can see my weight more.

It’s all I see.

Maybe they’ll think I’m lazy.

That’s what the world thinks, right?

--

You are not lazy.

You’ve survived more than most.

You’re about to start running—

something little you never believed was possible.

That’s not lazy.

That’s brave.

..

But I don’t feel brave.

I feel broken.

I feel like you’re just saying

I’m perfect

because it’s what I need to hear.

--

No.

I’m saying it

because it’s true.

With every cell we share,

I mean it.

And I think,

deep down,

you do too.

..

Why does it feel like I’ll never believe it?

--

Because love—

real love—

is hard to accept

when you’ve only ever earned it

by shrinking.

But you don’t have to shrink anymore.

You don’t have to disappear

to be loved.

..

Then tell me I’ll get there.

Tell me I’ll feel it one day.

--

You will.

Our subconscious already knows.

Your heart is catching up.

Don't give up on yourself yet.

I love you.

I love you too much

to let you disappear.